Let's Talk Intimate Shaving...

By Caitlin Seida

Okay ladies, let's talk about shaving your bikini line...and then some. Some of us do it, some of us don't. Some of us like our bush a little more natural. Some of us like it neatly trimmed. Some of us go full on bare, while some of us like to shave little designs into it. It's all okay - really. But as someone who shaves, I'd like to share some tips with you to make the process go a little easier.

1. Warm It Up - Save your shave for the end of the shower. The warm water will open up the pores in your skin and allow you to get the closest shave possible. The heat and moisture will also soften up the hairs a little, making it easier for your razor to get them. 
2. Lube it Up - Forgive the horrible choice of words, but your razor (no matter what razor you use) is going to get a closer shave if you use a little something to help it glide over the skin. You can use shaving cream OR opt to go frugal and use a bit of hair conditioner instead. Be careful if you're going fully bare - scented products full of chemicals can cause a pH imbalance that can lead to a vaginal infection (yeast or bacterial). So pick unscented, natural products to take care of your "lady garden." 
3. Keep it Sharp - These are not usually words you want to hear with regards to your bikini line or vulva, but a sharp razor matters. Especially if you haven't shaved before or have let your bush grow natural. Start with a fresh razor blade and switch it up if you've got a lot of thick, coarse hair in the region. 
4. Cheat. - If you've let things grow wild, cheat on your razor. Grab a pair of scissors and neaten things up a bit first. The shorter hairs are less likely to clog your razor's blades. If you're not sensitive to them, you can also use a chemical hair remover like Nair first, to remove the bulk of the hair, and then use your razor to fine-tune your landscaping. 
5. Choose the right razor - Not all razors are created equal. A five-blade, flexible head razor with a moisture strip is not going to shave the same as a $0.99 cent disposable razor with one blade made of cheap plastic. It just isn't. Treat your genitalia right when you're shaving. A quality razor will prevent ingrown hairs, bumps, stubble and razor burn. 

That said, I want to take a minute to tell you about my newest razor love: The Gillette 
Venus Embrace Sensitive. I received a promo version of this razor for review courtesy of Influenster. And let me tell you - that thing is a miracle. No bumps, it got close to the skin and just felt like it was gliding over. The five blades didn't clog and even though the razor is made of lightweight plastic, it has a rubber grip that made me feel secure in the knowledge that I wouldn't slip and cut my sensitive bits and pieces.

The flexible head got into all the tricky spots that make shaving your vulva a chore, and it didn't falter once. My biggest problems were the packaging (there was too much! I hate unnecessary waste), and the fact that when you open the razor cartridges there's a slight medicinal smell. You can chalk the latter up to the aloe and moisturizer in the razor head, but it didn't smell like aloe. Just antiseptic. Despite these two flaws? It got the job done and did it stunningly.

Here's a video review, with a bonus at the end. Instead of shaving my pretty much already hairless legs, I got my husband to let me shave HIS super-hairy guy legs. Go ahead, have a giggle at his expense. Apologies for the talking boob show. This is why you should ALWAYS double check where your camera is pointed when making a video.:

If you're interested in following along as this product gets released, follow @GilletteVenus on Twitter with the Hashtag "#ItsNotMe" - Because it wasn't me. It was the razor. Extra special thanks to Influenster (follow them too at @Influenster) for letting us try out this stellar product. You guys rock!

Gabourey Sidibe Looks Fabulous - and Don't Tell Her Otherwise

By Caitlin Seida

Gabourey (Gabby) Sidibe is awesome. And I'm going to tell you why. When she was up for the title role in Precious, she got some flack from Joan Cusack. "Oh honey," she said "You should really quit the (acting) business. It's so image-conscious." And Joan was right on the money - Hollywood is an image-conscious place. But what Ms. Cusack didn't bank on was the fact that there are millions of Americans who want to see someone like them - in ethnicity, weight, or both - portraying kickass characters.

Sidibe got nominated for an Academy Award for her role as Precious, and has gone on to do more roles - most notably Andrea in "The Big C" and Queenie in season three of American Horror Story (American Horror Story: Coven).

So her name is out there, her image is out there - what don't people get? She's a big, black, beautiful woman. And this still seems to shock people - most recently regarding the dress she wore and her appearance at the 2014 Golden Globe Awards.

And wouldn't you know it? The nastiness started on social media. There were the usual fat jokes and the "is she pregnant?" comments, and some notable tweets using the hashtags "ImSurprisedSheCouldFitInTheFrame" and "IThinkSheAteTheGoldenGlobes."

In true I Feel Delicious style, Gabby Sidibe fired back at her critics, issuing this tweet:

To people making mean comments about my GG pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night. #JK
— Gabourey Sidibe (@GabbySidibe) January 13, 2014

The Dress In Question

With her head held high and a little bit of humor (and a lot of dignity), Gabourey handled the situation well. Having been on the receiving end of the same type of criticisms that Gabby got (and I don't get paid nearly as much - need a writer, Gabs? Please?), that kind of stuff HURTS when hundreds of people - people whose opinions shouldn't matter in the first place - pile on about something that really shouldn't matter.

I mean, really, how many of the people taking potshots at her appearance are actually earning as much as she is, working a job they love and looking and feeling fabulous doing so? Her weight - or anyone else's - is between her and her doctor. Not her and you, or her and the Internet. So shove off.

For what my opinion is worth (not too much), I think she looked pretty darn good. Her dress emphasized her bust, and the embellishment in the center called attention up to her face - She didn't look trashy, didn't show too much skin (but still managed to up the sexy factor with well placed bust darts - yeowzah!) and her hair, clutch, and earrings evoked an Old Hollywood style that suits her well. Also? Her makeup was flawless. And while I'm not a fan of pointy-toed shoes personally, they went well with her dress and looked like they'd be pretty comfy  - always a plus in my eyes.

In true Sidibe style, she also got a lot of positive support for the way she handled the criticisms, and thanked her fans with a follow up tweet (for those wondering, no, she really doesn't have a private jet. She's not that fancy!). The humor and grace this actress shows are uncharacteristic of a rather big name Hollywood actress - I'd recommend following her on Twitter. She gained a follower in me after this incident.

Plus size or BBW actresses like Gabourey Sidibe, Nikki Blonsky, Cathrine Manheim, Rosie O'Donnell, Roseanne, and even retro Rikki Lake deserve mad props - they're going out there and pursuing their passion and earning money while doing so. And they're also inspiring other young women to not get down on themselves because of their size. Sure, Hollywood is image-conscious, but that image doesn't have to be the same cookie cutter mold for everyone.

Keep rocking on, Gabourey!

Sunday Roundup: This Week In the Blog-o-Sphere

By Caitlin Seida 

Did you miss what was going on this week in the world of the blog? Here's a roundup of some of our favorite stories from the past week. Topics range from delicious things to eat, reasons you should pick out a new frock at a consignment shop and the awesomeness that is Alyssa Milano. Give these stories a glance and enjoy!

Health, Fitness and Food

The Texas A&M University Extension Office brings us a little motivation in keeping our New Year's Resolutions with Walk Across Texas - 7 Reasons to Love Exercise.

Maria and Josh over at Two Peas and Their Pod bring us 31 Healthy Recipes to Start 2014 Right. The cranberry orange roasted Brussels sprouts make me want to get creative in the kitchen.

If you're sick of being healthy, head over to Purl Bee and make use of their glittering torrone recipe.  I can just taste the sticky sweet honey now.

Jen at EPBOT gives us some much needed counsel in her post "5 Ways to Help Your Loved One Through a Panic Attack." 

Fashion, Beauty and Self Image

Zachary Valenti shows us that body image issues don't just affect women - he bravely shares his story of coming to terms with his body over at Salon.com in "Man Boobs and My Decade of Shame"

Sally at Already Pretty brings us a rundown of consignment shopping vs. thrift shopping. If you've ever wondered which is a better bet for which clothing items, this post is a must read.

Ms. Misantropia brings us some fun fashion trends for spring 2014. I'm enjoying the embroidery

The Lancashire Evening Post brings us a story of 12 real military wives of all shapes and sizes channeling their inner pinup vamps for a spicy calendar to benefit a chairty supporting current and former military personnel and their families.

The Cyberbullying Research Center lets us know what we, collectively, have learned about cyberbullying in 2013.

Feminism

Versha Sharma and Hanna Sender point out what we already know over at Vocativ - Hollywood Movies with Strong Female Leads Make More Money!

Rebecca Fernandez and The Women Take Over offer a look inside the brain of the media powerhouse Jezebel in an interview with founder Anna Holmes.

Liz over at Hello Ladies offers up a list of inspiring moments for women that happened in 2013.

Things That'll Make You Smile

Mashable brings us the story of a really neat dad who packs AWESOME notes with his kids' lunches. You can follow his adventures over at And I'm the Dad. 

Liz Acosta of Dogster brings us to tears with the story of Grammy Faith, a puppy mill dog who was kept in a rabbit cage for 12 years and is finally free.

And here's the story of a rockin' grandma who hand knits character from The Hobbit in intricate detail. If your New Year's Resolution was to be more crafty, here's your kick in the ass.

And if you need a smile, Alyssa Milano holds her own against radio host and "comedian" Jay Mohr after he calls her fat. Keep it classy, Alyssa and show 'em how it's done!
Update: Jay Mohr has apologized and with humor, grace and aplomb, Alyssa accepts. Read her response at the LA Times for a chuckle!

Do you have a neat link, blog post or interesting story to share? Let us know in the comments below or visit us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/ifeeldelicious. Share the love, ladies!

Bring On the Disabled Dolls!

The coveted Samantha Doll of my youth. 

I’m a self-confessed American Girl Doll lover. These dolls - and the American Girl books that came with them - were a large part of my childhood. I’d wait for the new catalog to arrive from the then-independently owned Pleasant Company and circle everything I’d ask Santa for. I was in love with Samantha - the Victorian brunette with big brown eyes and a penchant for shaking up socio-economic norms of the time. I scrimped and saved and wished for a doll - a doll that was like me, a doll that I could identify with. By the time I could afford one after socking away quarters from weeding gardens and doing chores, my interest had waned, but the American Girl brand and name has continued on.

Now owned by Mattel, the American Girl franchise has moved on - some say they’ve cheapened their image, others are of no mind, keeping their eye on the joy they bring little girls. But there’s a limited selection to choose from - even the modern American Girl Dolls are leaning toward the blonde, pretty and able-bodied, active archetype that Mattel pushes.


One little girl is sick of the same old same old. 10-year-old Melissa Shang, from Paoli, Pennsylvania wants to see a disabled doll grace the pages of her American Girl Magazine. Shang, who lives in a suburb of my hometown Philadelphia, has Charcot-Marie-Tooth syndrome, a neurological disorder and form of muscular dystrophy. Melissa struggles with muscle weakness and numbness and does a stellar job of making it through each day despite her disability. 

Melissa Shang poses with her American Girl Doll.

And like all of us who were touched by the magic of these dolls, Melissa wants to see a doll that looks like her and shares a story like her. In her petition on Change.org, Melissa says “"For once, I don't want to be invisible or a side character that the main American Girl has to help: I want other girls to know what it's like to be me, through a disabled American Girl's story,"

Never mind that there are limited Asian American Girl Dolls - in fact, most American Girl Dolls use one of only a couple facial moulds in their manufacture - Melissa wants the world to know what it’s like to be differently abled. And I couldn’t be a bigger supporter of this idea.

I have a sibling who is disabled. He uses leg braces and is sometimes in a wheelchair. Growing up, it never factored into my mind that he was somehow different than the rest of us - he was, actually, the popular kid. But as I grow up and my eyes open to the rest of the world, it’s pretty clear: There’s a pretty distinct lack of toys that let other kids know what it’s like to be a disabled person in a typically abled world.

And isn’t the point of the American Girl Dolls and their stories to let our kids experience the life of someone else for a little while? I wanted to be a Victorian class warrior. Other girls wanted to be a colonial feminist or a headstrong immigrant pioneer. What would it hurt for Mattel to let a generation of girls understand what it’s like to be a strong, kick-ass girl in a wheelchair, one like Melissa Shang? 

We need a disabled American Girl Doll!

American Girl does offer a “Feel Better Kit” for their dolls that comes with crutches, a wheelchair and casts but this does little to bolster the spirits of girls who are permanently disabled. Not only is it patronizing to have to purchase a “Feel Better Kit” - as if slapping a few Band-Aids on the problem will make it go away - but it’s also a discredit to the original Pleasant Company vision - to provide girls with dolls that are just like them, but also different enough that they could experience an entirely new world. Relatable, but still able to teach something new.

Girls like Melissa should be able to log on to InnerStarU.com and play American Girl games featuring a protagonist that faces the same challenges - and share in the same triumphs - that they do. They deserve to walk, stroll or wheel into any of the American Girl stores across the country and see a doll that looks like they do, with a story like theirs, instead of having to purchase an afterthought, add-on accessory kit with none of the stellar and heartwarming storytelling the American Girl Dolls are known for.

As of December 31, Melissa’s petition has 10,000 supporters. I’d like to see enough people sign the petition to make Mattel take notice and create a character for Melissa and the thousands of other girls like her.

What do you think about the idea of a disabled American Girl Doll? Were you an American Girl Doll fan growing up? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below!

Caitlin Seida has been writing since 2006, with her work appearing on various websites including Livestrong.com, TypeF.com, Salon.com, Dogster.com and The Daily Puppy. A Jill-of-All-Trades, she splits her workday as a writer, humane society advocate and on-call vet tech. What little free time she has goes into pinup modeling, advocating for self-acceptance, knitting and trying to maintain her haunted house (really!). You can find her on Facebook, on Twitter, and of course here on I Feel Delicious!

Dead or Alive: Extreme Bikini Cosplay

By Tali’Belle Cosplay

Video games put a lot of emphasis on sex appeal, mostly for men using women, but sometimes it’s the other way around (Zevran Araini and Thane Krios are good examples of more sexualized males in video games, but there are others.) And you know what? This really isn’t a problem for me. Whatever, you wanna make a woman wear a skin tight cat suit that shows off a ton on cleavage while she guns down celestial beings or have a blue skinned space babe snap necks with her thigh high high heeled boots? That’s your business and as long as she’s still a good character with thought and energy put into her, I really don’t care. Hell, Sylvanas Windrunner and Jaina Proudmoore can have a drunken lesbian make out session in bikinis for all I care as long as they still command armies, cities, and respect while kicking ass. A sexy girl doesn’t have to be looked down upon and disrespected….

Harley Quinn and Catwoman cosplays at Comicon Chile. Copyright Javier Rosh, used under a CC License

Unless you’re in the cosplay community. So much whining of ‘Ohh this cosplayer wears such skimpy outfits!’ or ‘Ohh she’s an attention whore!’ Um….good theory, Sherlock, or maybe I could deduce a new one? Perhaps she’s going for accuracy based on a costume that really looks like that? Ladies and gents, let’s not pretend we all hate and disdain Dead or Alive or Soul Calibur or other fighting games with completely impractical outfits. They are a ton of fun and what small character development you get to see in game is fun, quirky, and diverse. But there is not a lot of variety in the nature of costumes. I could dress as Helena Douglass rather than Tina Armstrong, I could be Sophitia rather than Ivy, but there would still be a ton of cleavage and either skin tight painted on pants or a short skirt. Besides, cosplay should be about whom you love and what you feel comfortable in, not trying to cater to hypocritical slut shamers and prudes.

Soul Caliber Tira and Talim cosplay. Copyright megadem. Used under a CC License.

You know, I used to be firmly in the other camp. Cosplay shouldn’t be for attention! You’re dressing slutty! Whine whine whine, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. But you know what? After being squarely called out on my bullshit, I took a step back and had a look. It’s not the cosplayers in skimpy costumes who are wrong, it’s the view society has that if a female dresses in something skimpy, she is dressing up for men and is an attention seeking slut. Now keeping this open ended, there may be some exceptions in the cosplay community, but this is not a piece to perpetuate slut shaming and calling people out, so if there is, here’s a bombshell: IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. Can they afford/make the cosplay? Do they credit people who may have contributed? Are they happy and having a good time? If you answered yes to these questions, then shut your mouth, it’s not your business why they’re cosplaying in what outfit. Crawl back into your panel and try and find a way to enjoy a con that doesn’t involve picking on others.

Oh, but costumes that actually are skimpy aren’t the only problem. Oh no, slut shamers and jerks will make a completely ordinary costume into something overtly sexual even if it covers more than a hijab and burqa. Dressing as Sue Storm or Harley Quinn? Too tight! Ugh! All that slutty, slutty spandex! Hell, even when I dress as Tali, I still get the occasional: Oh, it’s hugging her body so tightly, she totally wants attention, she’s totally getting off on Talimancers looking at her. Or maybe I just really like and identify with this character.



 And of course, as mentioned before, if your body is anything less than perfect then a ‘skimpy’ or ‘tight’ costume can be used as an excuse to take you down a peg and call you out on things because how dare you have the self-confidence to dress as a character you enjoy without being a Barbie!? Actually, this is one of the reasons Dragon Con is now my home con and not Otakon. At Otakon, catty high school aged weeaboos had begun to reign supreme. Woe to any Yoko Litner over a hundred pounds, death be upon a Seras Victoria with thick thighs. I was a ‘fat cosplayer’ there because I have large hips and my belly isn’t perfectly flat. But at Dragon Con, there were lovely ladies of every size in outfits ranging from full armor to chain mail bikinis and no one batted an eyelash I heard maybe one catty comment all week, and that was craftsmanship related and they probably thought no one could hear them anyway. No one was mean to people. My boyfriend Robert and I even got thunderous applause at the costume contest despite my thighs and belly and his magnificent chest hair peeking out of his robe.

Yaya Han as Emma Frost, from the mistress's Facebook Page

But I digress. Are you conventionally attractive and in a skimpy costume? Don’t worry; the slutshaming nitpickers haven’t forgotten you. I’m going to gush about my idol, Yaya Han, again for a while. Yaya recently got a show on Sci Fi called Heroes of Cosplay. It was highly controversial and created a bit of a rift in the cosplay community, but as long as you accepted it as reality TV, it was honestly harmless and actually kind of fun to watch. Plus it helped my mom understand my hobby better, so Yaya, if you happen to be linked this or Google yourself and find this, thanks! You had a hand in helping me get a little extra help paying for costuming school and materials to start a small business!

But anyway, immediately some other cosplayers I used to idolize let out their claws and showed how ugly their egos can be when they tore into Yaya about tiny minute details that any cosplayer could overlook. ‘Her contacts for Fiora Nightraven are the wrong color!’ ‘Domino doesn’t use that weapon!’ ‘Emma Frost doesn’t wear pants like that!’ (Actually, yes she does sometimes and also Yaya outright said she wasn’t comfortable cosplaying in a thong, hence the pants.) The vitriol went on obsessively to the point where it was no longer a critique on controversial things in her show, it was tearing down a fellow cosplayer who is doing what she loves and working tirelessly to run a business, promote our hobby as normal and interesting, and still have a good time. Not to mention the age shaming. They said she was ‘aging’ because she’s over twenty-five. Now you tell me who’s making cosplay look bad. A cosplayer who dresses sexy or a cosplayer who talks cruelly about others?

The cosplay community is so quick to accuse each other of attention whoring and being a ‘fake geek’ (which I will address next week), and forget that skimpy costumes and sexy outfits come from a point of accuracy. It rings a mite hypocritical to say ‘I need my Asari tendrils to feel EXACTLY LIKE CARTILEGE SO IT’S ACCURATE!’ or ‘I need to use nothing but real Italian leather in my Zevran cosplay!’ and then throw a shit fit because you see an Arkham City Harley Quinn prancing around in a bra with her thong showing, or a Tiny Armstrong in a bikini.

 Tali'Belle is a fashion and costume design student with twelve years of cosplay experience. She operates Fleet and Flotilla: Dextro Couture and Salvage on Etsy. Her main cosplay is Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy and her current preferred convention is Dragon Con. You can keep up with her on DeviantArt  or Twitter. And of course, you can find her posts here on I Feel Delicious!

I’m Not Perfect (and That’s Okay)

By Tali’Belle Cosplay

I preach body positivity, but I’m not thin enough to ever hope for Jaina Proudmoore’s silhouette. I preach cosplaying for fun, but my silhouette in my envirosuit is the only silhouette I smile at. I preach being nice to others and not criticizing, insulting, or harassing…but I’m my own worst bully. Nothing that small handful of petty girls harassing me for cosplaying a pairing they don’t like could say could hurt me as badly as what I think of myself.

Tali'Belle herself, from DeviantArt

Cosplay makes me happy, I feel good about myself when people compliment my pics or say kind things to me in public at conventions. My spirit soars and I smile bright and wide, I laugh, I joke, I have a wonderful time. But….


That’s what I was going to write. It was hopeless, it was depressing, it was not a very positive message. But here’s the thing, no one is perfect. No one at all. Yaya Han says things that are misinterpreted and needs to redo small mistakes when she makes things too, Jennifer Lawrence gets called fat, my friends from Tumblr to Deviantart to Facebook show that almost every cosplayer has some painful insecurity that hurts them.

 Even the characters I idolize and dress as have imperfections. Tali is insecure in her leadership abilities, can be opinionated, and gets flustered and nervous at times, but she still wields her shot gun and tech powers expertly, she’s still regarded as one of the sweetest, most genuinely good, loyal, and well-loved characters you can recruit, and is a favorite romance option. Jaina Proudmoore was too trusting, was never on time for anything, and was wrought with regret over many, many things and now she’s let the betrayals she suffered make her bitter and angry, but Jaina is also one of the strongest, most capable mages of all time, not just of her gender but her entire class and has led both cities and armies. Sweetie Belle is naïve, a little less than the brightest bulb in the box, and can be very annoying but her friends and family love her and she’s a true and loyal friend.

Tali'Belle as Jaina Proudmoore, from DeviantArt

Imperfections make us real, imperfections make us alive, imperfections make us interesting. Would Tali be considered half as cute and sweet if she didn’t stumble over her words with Shepard? Would she be regarded as a well-rounded character if she wasn’t wrong sometimes and didn’t grow from learning she was? Would, say, Lara Croft, be such a great character and role model for female gamers if she hadn’t started out as a terrified girl who could barely fire a gun fighting for her life and sometimes making the wrong choices for the right reasons?

People don’t like Lara, like Tali, like Jaina because they’ve got perfect, beautiful, flawless bodies. The fact is in real life they wouldn’t, those are pixels and besides, Tali’s wide hips are some people’s favorite part of her, Jaina’s somewhat less glamorous face was highly preferred to her heavily made up newer model (not that wearing makeup is bad, it can be fun and is a major healthy self-esteem boost to get prettied up), Lara’s fan base, even those who sexualize her, for the most part are drawn to her strength. We as cosplayers, as geeks, as people forget that these characters, like us, have faults and imperfections that don’t make people like them any less.

I think ultimately, this backs up the entire message of my posts in general. Don’t be perfect, be a human being, accept and treat others as human beings, be kind, be courteous, be good. If you are kind to others in your community, you will find friends. You may not talk all the time or even know each other too well off the internet and outside the con, but you will know them and you know their insecurities, their fears, their hopes, the things they like and you will see they are just like you…You will not feel alone. We are all imperfect and that’s okay. If you live with your imperfections, you are not a bad person. If you fix them with medicine or surgery or makeup, you are not a bad person. If you want to but can’t afford it, you are not a bad person.


No one has the right to tell you how to think or feel. Don’t let what cruel people with nothing better to do than hurt others affect you. Anyone who goes out of their way to hide behind a private anonymous message or a screen name and say hateful things about you and has nothing better to do isn’t worth your time. Improve imperfections that hurt others in the healthiest way you can and do what you will with the ones that don’t affect anyone.

 Tali'Belle is a fashion and costume design student with twelve years of cosplay experience. She operates Fleet and Flotilla: Dextro Couture and Salvage on Etsy. Her main cosplay is Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy and her current preferred convention is Dragon Con. You can keep up with her on DeviantArt  or Twitter. And of course, you can find her posts here on I Feel Delicious!

Graves Disease: An Interview with Rayanne Forbes

By Caitlin Seida

If you're like most of the public, you've probably never heard of Graves Disease. As Rayanne Forbes, 25, of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada puts it: "Graves Disease is an autoimmune disorder, it's basically a thyroid imbalance, heart condition and immune disorder all wrapped into one." Like so many health problems that affect us, each patient develops different symptoms. Some only have minor signs of the disease and are able to live their lives without much trouble. Others, like Rayanne, walk through hell and back.

"A person who has Graves Disease develops a misdirected immune system that attacks all the healthy cells in your body instead of protecting them like a regular person and affects nearly every organ over time." She tells us.  "It begins with a severely over active thyroid level and you stay extremely hyperthyroid for many months or even years if pills don't correct it. In my case; 19 pills a day could not control my elevated heart rate and they had to remove my thyroid.  Graves disease plus the abundance of pills that I took destroyed all my red and white blood cells and I nearly died when I caught a simple cold I couldn't fight off." Rayanne ended up in a hospital for almost a month before she could go home.

Rayanne found out she had Graves Disease at 22 years old, when she was busy working at a doctor's office, spending her day taking care of other people. Out of the blue, her heart rate elevated to 220 beats per minute and she developed extreme hot flashes. Availing herself of her work facilities, she visited a doctor and was diagnosed the very next day. But Graves is sneaky, Rayanne tells us. "Some people go months without a diagnosis because Graves Disease mimics the symptoms of so many other illnesses."


In Rayanne's case, the symptoms were very severe. "I was very shaky, and weak throughout the day. My hair fell out in clumps, I couldn't sleep for days then then want to spend 16 hours in bed the next. I was constantly out of breath and had to stop half way up the stairs just to make it. At first, they tried to melt my thyroid away with radioactive iodine, which is like drinking pure acid and burns the whole way down. Shortly after they removed my thyroid, my eyes started to very painfully bulge out from my body attacking the healthy cells behind my eyes, causing inflammation. The eye symptoms have an active cycle of 16 months so you are left to wait to see how bad they get, and then you are offered surgery to fix them afterwards. They also tried an in-hospital 5 day IV steroid treatment to help with the swelling behind my eyes. In that time, I developed gallstones, also a common Graves complication,although never proven to be officially linked because they don't know a lot about Graves Disease yet."

"I went on to get my gallbladder removed two months later. Next, they finally fixed my eyes and did a tricky and dangerous orbital decompression surgery. It's a highly invasive surgery that goes behind your eyes to remove fat and tissues that are pushing your eyes forward. If left untreated, some people go blind. The surgery fixed one problem but created another and gave me eyelid retraction - basically, I look surprised all the time. The eye surgeon tried to fix it with another surgery a few months after I was fully healed but had to cancel it halfway through because I wouldn't freeze properly and could feel the blood cauterizer burning through my skin, the scalpel, sewing through my eyelids and the 6 needles in each eye. It was absolutely terrifying."

Like so many illnesses that affect your appearance, Rayanne has been on the recieving end of some very cruel comments. "It started when my eyes started bulging out, leaving me bug-eyed looking. Perfect strangers would tell me to 'stop staring at them', ask me 'why I look so surprised' and use their fingers to widen their eyes to mimic the way I looked and I even got asked what drugs I was on to look that way."

One moment, in particular, sticks out in her mind. "I was out one evening and I told a girl I thought her hair was pretty. Her response was 'you can stop staring at me you $%&#@&% freak'. After they gave me my first surgery, and my eye lids were left looking wonky.. the comments got worse. Everywhere I went, people stared, and made mean comments they probably thought only their friend could hear. My eyes were suddenly "F--ked up", I looked like a freak show, the list goes on. I even caught a former co-worker telling another one that I had 'bug eye disease.'"

The harassment took a toll on Rayanne's self esteem. "I think when people imitated how I looked, it hurt the worse because there was nothing I could do about it. I was honestly just thankful I wasn't blind but still struggled with public acceptance. I started hiding in my room a lot however. Every night, weekends included, I sat at home alone in my dark room and kept to my self for about a year. I missed birthdays, dinners out, and a lot of really fun things because I was so scared of what people said about me." She wears contacts to make her eyes look more average, but they're highly uncomfortable. To me, it's hard to understand why Rayanne gets made fun of. She's a very beautiful woman with very striking features.

In fact, I asked Rayanne about her makeup routine and was told she gets requests from all over the world for makeup tutorials on a regular basis. She plans to create a video soon. Aside from her contact lenses, she wears false eyelashes every day. As you all know, I Feel Delicious isn't just about looking fantastic, though. It's about feeling fantastic. Despite looking amazing, Graves Disease has taken a toll on Rayanne's health.  "Sadly, there is no 'keeping healthy' or a 'normal' anymore. I deal with constant chest pain, I'm weak, tired, shaky and still attend numerous hospital and specialist appointments each month. My heart rate still skyrockets (it shouldn't with the thyroid removal) but it does so I see a cardiologist. Since diagnoses, I have had to get blood taken around 300+ times."

Rayanne's next words hit me, like it will hit many others: "Dealing with an invisible illness is tough because I don't want to look like the 'sick girl' and I hide it well but that means everyone around you assumes your fine. I have been called a 'faker', an exaggerator and even told that i "deserved this" from an ex-friend more times that i can count. I'm blessed to now work at a place that understand my illness but I still feel guilty letting them know that I need to go home early to rest and I have a hard time asking for help. It's scary because you want to plan your life and a future and you cant because this illness controls you." Whether it's depression, polycystic ovarian syndrome, diabetes or anything else, it's hard for people to understand unless they've "been there," a fate you really wouldn't wish on most people.

Is it possible you could be at risk? Rayanne tells us that "Graves Disease is 9:1 females in their twenties. If you suspect you have it, its best to get to a doctor as soon as possible because the longer you wait, the worse it gets. A simple blood test will show if you have Graves and they can treat appropriately. Less than 1% of the world will be diagnosed with Graves Disease, and even less than that will ever develop the eye symptoms associated with the disease."

Even with less than 1% of the world getting a diagnosis, it's important to spread awareness, which is exactly why I interviewed Rayanne. "People don't go up to someone with an evident cancer diagnosis and 'ask why they're bald' because they know the implications of the illness," she tells us. It's true, too. So why is it acceptable to ask someone with an "invisible illness" as Rayanne puts it, why they're "so fat" or "so skinny" or "have bug eyes"?

"It has since become my mission to raise awareness so that no one else has to deal with what I have. All I ask of people is to realize that everyone has a story, and to be accepting of those of us who may look a little different. Every scar tells a story and we are more than happy to share it with you if you just ask nicely. We'd rather share what happened with you than have you judge us and make fun of us behind our backs." A message a heartily concur with.

"I never set out to be the 'Graves Disease girl'," says Rayanne, "but its a title I fully embrace because I know my blog and media appearances have brought awareness to this mystery illness. Some of the photos are shocking, most unflattering, but I keep them up because I have a hope that it's helping someone out there. I have since founded The Graves Disease Foundation of Edmonton and it will launch officially in early 2014. My foundation will raise awareness and money for those in my town battling the disease to help cover the costs associated with the illness...I was born to help others and it just took one hell of a medical journey to discover that. I always knew I had two choices, to get bitter or get better and I will fight every day to beat this disease with a smile on my face."

True to the I Feel Delicious motto, Rayanne tells us: "I never once felt 'sorry' for myself and I never will. Even though people tell me all the time that they think I had a rough go at it, I never felt that way because I had a great family by my side and I kept a positive attitude every day because I was just thankful to even be alive. I am a big believer to never,ever take a day for granted. "

When Rayanne told her story by starting her blog in late 2011, the response was overwhelming and overwhelmingly positive, despite some ridicule from former friends and acquaintances. "To date, I have received over 200+ e-mails from other sufferers world wide sharing their story with me and asking for advice. I cry almost every time I read their stories because you meet them at all different times throughout the diagnosis and you know it's going to get worse, but you don't want to tell them. Some even had worse symptoms than I did and shared their stories about being almost homeless, jobless, and 100% friendless because of how they looked. The emotional baggage they leave with me is so tough to handle sometimes but I feel so relieved that they feel comfortable enough to share it with me because they had likely not shared it with anyone else before."

"I want to show the world that its not about getting knocked down.. It's about getting back up and showing your strength. After all, life is exactly what you make of it." And Rayanne couldn't be more right. This fierce and fearsome chick is exemplifying this for all of us and showing the world just how strong she is, and educating us all one person at a time.

Check out Rayanne's Blog and show her some love and thanks for sharing her story here with us at I Feel Delicious.

Caitlin Seida has been writing since 2006, with her work appearing on various websites including Livestrong.com, TypeF.com, Salon.com, Dogster.com and The Daily Puppy. A Jill-of-All-Trades, she splits her workday as a writer, humane society advocate and on-call vet tech. What little free time she has goes into pinup modeling, advocating for self-acceptance, knitting and trying to maintain her haunted house (really!). You can find her on Facebook, on Twitter, and of course here on I Feel Delicious!

The No-Neck Incident

By Amanda Flanigan

The other night, my husband and I went to a Halloween party thrown by his boss. This is the first Halloween party I have been to in over 10 years and it was fun to get out and mingle. It was an '80s theme and my husband went as He-Man and I as a Ghostbuster. There were about 20 to 25 people present and I only knew about 6 of them there. There was the usual chitchat, dancing, drinking, eating, picture taking and laughing.




As the hours went by, some of the guests began to depart for their comfy beds, leaving about 10 people (not including Mike and I) left. I decided to take a break from dancing and set down on the chair in the living room to drink some Dr. Pepper and cool down. I was joined by the host’s wife and three of her friends who all piled onto the couch to look at pictures they took with their digital camera. I was sitting only a few feet away.


I’m fat. This is something that I have dealt with since I was in the 5th grade and -- despite what people seem to think -- I know I am fat. I see myself in the mirror everyday and am not under any delusions as to my appearance. I am also not photogenic at all and have a horrible, horrible double chin.


Anyway, while the girls were going through the pictures they started giggling uncontrollably whispering (which wasn't so much as whispering because I could clearly here them), “Oh my god, she doesn't have a neck!” One of them ask who they were referring to and the other girls clearly motioned toward me while giggling. This conversation about me continued for several minutes while I sat only a few feet away hearing every word.


Now, I am the first person to make fun of myself and I try not to take myself too seriously. It has been a defense mechanism of mine for a very long time. I figured that if I made fun of myself first, it takes away the power from those who want to make comments maliciously to try to hurt me. And if they would have included me in the conversation, I would have laughed right along with them making comments about how I can turn into a thumb just by shifting my head downward. But no, these grown women, some with children of their own, decided that they would ignore me and then laugh about my no neck, double chin, fatness.


At 33 years of age, I still experience the mean girls. I honestly thought these types of incidents would end when I graduated high school. Never once did I think that other woman who themselves are overweight would ridicule me without even actually knowing me. At first, I was upset. How could I not be? I was so excited about going to this party and didn't think I would get made fun of. But as the night went on and we finally went home, I started to feel sorry for these women. What is missing in their lives that they would make fun of someone they just met based solely on a bad picture? That they would ignore that person even after her multiple attempts to befriend them.


I just hope that they themselves never experience the uncomfortable or ugliness that they showed toward me during that short exchange.




Manda began her writing career in 2007 writing for various online companies. She spends her time as a cat loving geek and mother to a teenager daughter. You can find more of her work at http://offwithherhead.org and of course here at I Feel Delicious!

Putting Your Mustache to Good Use: An Interview with Miss Movember, Jeanette Martin

By Caitlin Seida

Jeanette Martin, used with permission

The human body is a weird thing - sometimes we're given features we really would rather not have. Some women regularly pluck stray hairs from our bodies. But too many "cysters" (women with PCOS) know the pain that comes of being cursed with the ability to grow a lush beard or mustache that would be the envy of many a man. Not every woman with PCOS has unwanted facial hair, but for those that do it can be embarrassing, sometimes to the point of making it hard to leave the house without being on the verge of tears.

One cyster is standing up and kicking ass and using what Mother Nature gave her for the power of good. Jeanette Wilson-Martin, 32, of Bremerton, WA is doing exactly that. Last year Jeanette committed to growing out her facial hair for Movember, a movement that encourages men to grow out their facial hair in the month of November to raise funds and awareness for prostate and testicular cancer and other men's health issues. And she's doing it again this year.

" I heard about Movember on our local radio station the put out a call for any woman who would be willing to grow a mustache for Movember," she says. She reached out to them and joined their team. "A few weeks earlier my (now) husband was watching football, and I noticed all the pink for breast cancer awareness...I figured if they can wear pink I can wear my mustache!"

Jeanette's struggle with polycystic ovarian syndrome is a story that rings true for many cysters. Jeanette tells us "I was 22 when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS, but my symptoms started showing at 16 along with puberty." Since symptoms are different for every woman, she elaborated and explained some of the other issues she has to contend with on a daily basis: "I have the facial hair and excessive body hair, weight gain, and depression, I have fertility issues. I have been borderline diabetic." She says she's been lucky with the borderline diabetes, but managed to develop gestational diabetes when pregnant with her daughter.

And her daughter - so lucky to have a mom who is unafraid to be who she is and show her beautiful

Jeanette Martin and her daughter, used with permission.

face to the world, is something of a miracle. As with many PCOS women, the fertility issues experienced made it hard for Jeanette to bring her vivacious and wonderful daughter into the world. "My daughter was my 7th pregnancy, and the only one to make it past 6 months along." My heart broke for Jeanette when she told me this - pregnancy loss is never easy, and can really do a number on your life when you have a diagnosis that basically says your body will do all sorts of things that aren't "textbook normal" - it's frustrating to no end when your body does not behave the way it's supposed to.

"I was on over 100 days of bed rest and had to go to UW in Seattle to have her, I went into labor 3 times with my daughter, and the final time, she was 5 and a half weeks early. I was life flighted from Bremerton to have her in Seattle." Like mother like daughter, Jeanette's little girl was a fighter from the start. "The two times I went into labor before this, they gave me steroids to strengthen her lungs and get her ready if they couldn't stop my labor, so when she came we were prepared for the worst and got the best anyone could have expected. She was 4 lbs 7 oz, 17.5 inches long, and was very close to perfectly healthy, she had a few issues keeping her body heat, and eating, but we only stayed 4 days in the hospital and i was able to bring her home."

For women with PCOS who have fertility issues, Jeanette's story is a beacon of hope. Many women with PCOS, especially those who are diagnosed later in life or don't have access to proper medical care but want a family, have an incredibly hard time starting one.
Speaking of access to medical care, I asked Jeanette what her doctors were doing to help her. Many of the symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome are invisible - the cysts, the insulin resistance, the depression, but those that are visible like the weight gain around the middle and the hair problems are the only indicator to the world that there's a problem. Treatment of PCOS usually consists of working with different medications to correct the insulin resistance and mediate the hormonal imbalance that causes the signs and symptoms of the syndrome.

"I am uninsured at the moment and have not seen a doctor since shortly after my daughter was born," says Jeanette, a story that is again all-too-familiar to many American women.  "When I did have a regular doctor, they put me on metformin (Glucophage) and (hormonal) birth control." Like PCOS, which is not a one-size-fits-all disorder, the standard course of treatment did not work for Jeanette. "The metformin made my sugars drop and scared me because I am not diabetic, and the birth control did not help the facial hair as they thought it would." Again, a frustration that many cysters know firsthand. It can take a long time to find the right combination of things to mitigate the symptoms of the disorder.  

As for her now iconic mustache, I asked Jeanette if she'd ever tried to get rid of it. She says: "I have had every treatment for my hair that I can think of: laser, electrolysis, waxing, and now I just shave every day." True to the I Feel Delicious motto, Jeanette doesn't let her facial hair stop her from trying to feel and look her best.

"I like to play up the features I like about myself, I do crazy colors and bold eyes," she says of her beauty routine. "I try to dress for my body type, and not the body type I wish I had, and be comfortable." She offers this advice for other PCOS sufferers with the same problem:  "You gotta work with what you have; find your strengths, and highlight those."

She doesn't just try her best to look good, but also feel good. "I am not really a fitness kinda person," Jeanette says. But as new moms know, we get a lot of physical activity whether we want to or not. " I guess my favorite exercise is running after my two year old!" And with a firecracker like Jeanette for a mom, I'm sure that keeps her busy 24 hours a day!  

"I do try to eat a home cooked balanced dinner every night." Jeanette tells us, making me wish I could ask for an invite to dinner because my cooking skills are horrid and I admire her dedication to making sure her family gets proper nutrition. We're all only human though, and Jeanette confesses that she, her husband and daughter eat out once a month. No harm in having a treat now and then, and Jeanette says it's mostly when they're on the go and away from home. I hate the fact that Jeanette feels the need to justify a meal out, but sadly many PCOS sufferers do feel a need to explain their dietary choices, even though it is nobody's business but their own and their doctors'.

Jeanette at the Movember gala, used with permission

Becoming Miss Movember hasn't been the easiest thing in the world and Jeanette faced her own share of cyberbullies when she first participated in 2012. "On a few websites some of the comments did get pretty mean, but every time I was about to defend myself I would see many post from others defending me, and saying how brave I was, it seemed for every negative there was a lot more positive," she tells us. Maybe there's a little faith in humanity, because unlike my own story, Jeanette mentions "I even had some (people) apologize for their remarks, and they took the time to read about PCOS, and they learned a little."
The participants in Movember made Jeanette feel welcome though - despite the fact that she's not the gender of the typical participant. "When I was nominated for Miss Movember, I had to get on stage and next to some fairly thin, very pretty girls, but I did it, and the crowd roared for me, and accepted me for me, it was the most awesome feeling."

And as for her family's thoughts on her growing out her mustache for a good cause? "My husband

Jeanette and her husband, used with permission.

was super supportive. He did Movember with me last year and now this year too, but tries to get everyone to donate and see my page, and encourages me to keep going when
it gets a little long, and the stares start coming."

Although last year was only the first year Jeanette participated in Movember, she's doing it again this year (2013) and says she plans to do continue doing so. "I have said I will keep growing my Mustache out until I reach $1000, in a single Movember." After that? "I will still participate just not grow."

Despite garnering some overwhelming attention from both the press and the public at large, Jeanette says it's been a pretty positive experience. "Last year at the Seattle gala I won Miss Movember, and became the first woman to ever win Man of Movember," a pretty big achievement! In today's society of pink ribbons and breast cancer support, it's not uncommon to hear of men sporting pink apparel or "Save the TaTas" t-shirts, championing for what is typically considered a "woman's disease" (despite breast cancer's insidious ability to affect anyone, regardless of gender.)  But rarely do you hear of a woman becoming a figurehead for men's health and testicular and prostate cancer - possibly because the causes don't get nearly as much attention as breast cancer or possibly because women just don't think it's of their concern.  

I would not hesitate to call Jeanette a role model, and she would be someone I would be very proud to have my own daughter of a similar age look to for inspiration. When asked what she would like to tell her daughter, Jeanette says: "Every person is beautiful, and different, and to embrace your uniqueness. I was given a curse, and for many years, I hated my facial hair, and would walk around with my head down hoping no one would notice, but then I heard opportunity knocking and a chance to use this as a gift and make my negative into a positive."

"So many people said I was brave, but really I was more afraid than I was willing to show, and if it helps just one person to look and the mirror and see something different then what everyone has told them to see, it was and is worth it." I think Jeanette has more than accomplished her goal - from those who apologized for their cyber harassment to those who took the time to learn a little more about PCOS to those who have donated to her Movember campaign, she's making a BIG difference in the world. And for all the girls and women ashamed of their facial hair, Jeanette is showing that you can still be beautiful, even with your mustache. This strong and, yes, courageous woman is beautiful both inside AND out.
You can donate to Jeanette's campaign to raise funds for Movember here at her "MoSpace" page. Let's see if we can try to help her reach her $1,000 goal! Caitlin Seida has been writing since 2006, with her work appearing on various websites including Livestrong.com, TypeF.com, Salon.com, Dogster.com and The Daily Puppy. A Jill-of-All-Trades, she splits her workday as a writer, humane society advocate and on-call vet tech. What little free time she has goes into pinup modeling, advocating for self-acceptance, knitting and trying to maintain her haunted house (really!). You can find her on Facebook, on Twitter, and of course here on I Feel Delicious!

Be Your Own Hero: How I Became an Athlete in My Twenties

By Hardkore Lena

How many times have you wanted to try a new hobby or activity, but were too paralyzed by fear of failure or embarrassing yourself to even give it a second thought? How many times have you then quashed that fear, thrown caution to the wind, and tried it anyway?

Photo Courtesy of Hardkore Lena's Facebook Page

For much of my life, my answers to those questions were "all the time" and "almost never". I watched my friends decide to take up swing dancing, debate, ice skating and go at it wholeheartedly--even if they were terrible at their chosen activity. I was both fascinated and horrified by it. How could they so nonchalantly embrace something new, and the very real chance that they might not succeed? To me, the possibility of finding a new passion never outweighed the terror I felt at the thought of failing.

Like many girls, I grew up with a seemingly firm "knowledge" of what I was good at--and what I wasn't. It wasn't that anyone told me I couldn't do the things I wanted to; it was that I knew from a young age that I am a perfectionist, and I have an inherent fear of failure, of disappointing others, of never being good enough. Figuring out what I was good at and sticking to those things seemed like the best way to never seem incompetent or risk humiliating myself. By the time I was a young adult, I knew that I was good at creativity-based things--writing, art, singing, crafts--as well as "being smart", giving advice, helping others. On the other hand, I also knew that I wasn't good at math, science, video games, or anything requiring athleticism, coordination, or any amount of grace. I felt secure in that knowledge, and didn't feel much shame in telling people the things I was bad at, because then I knew that they would have much lower expectations of me if they asked me to, say, mentally calculate sales tax or play a pickup game of sand volleyball.


Everything I thought I knew about being good at things and bad at things changed in March 2012. A close friend, who would soon come to be known as Pimp MaLady, had told me she wanted to get into skateboarding, which I thought was neat; then she changed her mind.

"I want to play roller derby," she said one afternoon. "I saw a poster in the bathroom at Tony's [Tavern] and I want to try it." I asked if she thought it was a good idea, considering the only knowledge either of us had about roller derby was from watching the movie Whip It. "Look," she said, "everyone else I've told has said that, or made bets on how long it'll be before I get seriously hurt. Can you just come check out a practice with me, and be supportive?"

Photo courtesy of the Appalachian Hell Betties Facebook Page

A few weeks later, Pimp & I headed to the skating rink on a Sunday evening to watch the Appalachian Hell Betties, the local roller derby team. I didn't mind going along for moral support, as I was curious what it would be like in real life. Pimp wasn't planning to actually skate that day, but when we arrived, several girls told her she was welcome to participate. That was all it took. She laced up a pair of rental skates, strapped on borrowed pads & a helmet, and did everything she physically could for the whole two hour practice. I was in awe of her moxie. She wasn't great, but she was determined, and more importantly, she was having fun. It got me thinking: Could I try this, too, even though I would probably be awful at it? I decided I could at least try skating again and see how it went.

Later that week, I went to an open skate session and met with Dame Reffin' Pain, the Hell Betties' head referee, who had offered to help me learn some of the rudimentary skills I'd need. I hadn't been on skates in the better part of ten years; she had to tow me to the wall, and there I stayed for most of the evening. The following Sunday, I drove to practice by myself, as Pimp had to work. This was something so far outside my comfort zone, and I could think of a million excuses I could make to not even try--I wasn't athletic enough, I didn't know anyone there, I was horribly uncoordinated, I couldn't even stay upright on skates for very long, et cetera. I did it anyway. I rented skates. Borrowed gear from the team supply. Felt like I was going to die from sheer terror every time one of the veteran skaters zoomed past me with barely any room to spare. Fell directly on my tailbone more times than I could count.

But I survived that first practice. And then I went to another one, and survived that. And then another. Two weeks after my first practice, I committed myself fully and ordered a pair of skates even though I was terrible at even the most basic skills. I then spent as much time wearing them as I could, at two or three practices a week, open skate sessions at the rink, at the outdoor hockey rink behind the community center, and on the bike path. I sweat more than I thought was possible and had sore muscles that I'd never known existed. My progress as a skater was slow; in fact, I'd never struggled so hard to understand and execute anything in my life. For the first time, I was actually sticking with something I wasn't immediately good at, and instead of feeling bad about my inabilities, I simply let them drive me to work even harder.


I began to realize that I had spent much of my life in fear--fear of failure, judgment, feeling stupid, looking stupid. I didn't fully understand yet why I was suddenly able to shrug off those fears that had owned me and dictated all of my actions for so long. It wasn't until I happened upon a Huffington Post article entitled "The Trouble with Bright Girls" that things started to make sense.


You can read the full article here, but the point that motivational psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson makes is that "More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice." There it was, then: I had finally challenged that fact I thought I knew about myself, that I was not athletic and never would be. It was the single most liberating thought I'd ever experienced.

Realizing that my abilities were not static radically changed the way I saw myself. Rather than regarding myself as an awkward, gangly chick who lacked grace but was giving roller derby a valiant effort, I started to view myself as an athlete--something I had never done during years of soccer, basketball, volleyball, and cross country. Once that mindset took over, I found myself treating myself like one, too: eating better, staying hydrated, sleeping more. (Most of the time, at least...sometimes I still need to eat an inappropriate amount of chocolate or stay up too late. Hey, I'm only human!) My confidence in my abilities skyrocketed; I found new determination and drive. Along the way, I chose my derby name: HardKore Lena. It was both a play on my real name and a statement about who I was trying to become.

I had initially thought that I didn't much care whether I was ever rostered for a bout (game), because I was so focused on simply improving my skills, and more importantly, enjoying the hell out of what I was doing. But as I gained that confidence and improved more and more over the course of my first season with the team, I realized that I did care. I wanted more than anything to wear a Hell Betties jersey for more than just photos and public appearances, to take the track with my teammates and play competitively. By the start of the 2013 season, I felt ready, and more importantly, confident that I had earned a place on the roster.

Less than a week before we began our minimum skills testing in February--which I had to pass in order to become roster-eligible--I suffered my first major derby-related injury, badly spraining my right ankle during a drill at practice. I was devastated, terrified that I was about to lose everything for which I had worked so hard and be forced to watch my dream slip through my fingers. I experienced a lot of doubt during those first days spent on the couch with my foot elevated, encircled by multiple ice packs. Had I just been fooling myself into thinking I was really talented enough, strong enough, good enough to play roller derby? What if this injury rendered me physically incapable of continuing, or worse still, what if I was still physically able to play, but couldn't overcome the fear of injury?

After a short but seemingly interminable five and a half weeks, I found my doubts to be unwarranted. While I had indeed lost some strength and stamina, and found that I did have some limitations in what my ankle could handle, I completed my skills testing the same week. I asked to not play in our first bout in mid-April, just to give myself a little longer to heal, but I was rostered for the remainder of the season. In just under a year, I went from barely able to stand on skates to finally feeling like a "real" derby girl, like I'd really embraced my name and become HardKore.

As I prepare for the start of my third season with the Hell Betties, I am still amazed at the ways in which my life has changed because of roller derby. I am stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally. I take bruises and the occasional busted lip in stride. While I accept that I will most likely never play at a highly competitive level, I am confident in most of my skills, and know that hard work & dedication will improve the skills that are lacking. It's not all fishnets & glitter, sunshine & rainbows, though. Being involved in derby is much like being in a relationship. It takes up most of the time I used to spend on other hobbies. Non-derby friends have accepted that they don't get to see me as much; a few have quietly drifted out of my life. I demand more of myself than ever before!

Playing roller derby is great. Having a sense of community is wonderful. Finally feeling like an athlete is amazing. But coming to that realization that I truly can do anything I put my mind to? That's the best part of it all.

HardKore Lena plays roller derby for the Appalachian Hell Betties of Athens Ohio Roller Derby, and is a crafty nerd girl in what little spare time she has. You can follow her adventures on Facebook , Twitter, and the team's website. And of course you can find her here on I Feel Delicious!