What is Respect in a Romantic Relationship?

Eye Candy Girl Emily - Courtesy of Terri Jean Photography

By Barbara Alvarez

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” We’ve all heard that old Aretha Franklin tune. Mom and dad gave that song to me – in the form of a 45 rpm vinyl record when I was but a teen. (Now that you know my vintage ...) Aretha sang about respect and Tina Turner sang about “What’s Love Got to Do with It,” in her movie. (Turner wrote a book, then adapted the book into her movie, “What’s Love Got to Do with It,” referencing her years of isolation and abuse.)

Eye Candy Girl Brandi Reminding You To Respect Yourself!

Respecting Yourself 

Know what your self-worth is. “I’m always getting yelled at and put down. Why?” Could it be the message you’re putting out, even if you’re not aware you’re doing so? Before you can receive respect from others, you have to respect yourself.

You’re not truly better than others, but you do have worth in this world. With your circle of friends, family and coworkers, you should be communicating, “I am worthy. I know what I know.”
Nobody has the right to put their hands on you in anger, especially when you do not want that. When you communicate with others, they should respect you in word and deed. You are worth more than put-downs and swear words.

Respecting Your Partner

If you expect to be respected, you need to demonstrate respect to your romantic partner, as well as to coworkers, family and friends. When you’re angry at him, think before speaking. Yes, in the heat of the moment, blurting something out just to punish him feels good – but what about later?

Your words and actions act just like the sharpest knife in the drawer – they cut and hurt. It’s impossible to take them back. Throttle those words and say, “I need some time.” Walk away, go for a run or hit the punching bag. Once you’re calmer, come back and discuss the issue – rationally. 

Eye Candy Girl Natalie Communicating! 

Ways of Showing Respect

 Because you want to be respected, you need to be ready to show respect. After all, part of showing you’re worthy of respect means you need to give the same consideration. We’ve already covered careful word choice. Let’s cover a few other ways:

√ Respect his emotional and physical boundaries. These include his time, touching and honoring his need to be with others or by himself;

√ Be considerate, thoughtful and helpful;

√ Notice when he’s done the laundry or made dinner reservations for you. More than just 
“noticing,” speak up and say, “I appreciate this;”

√ Compromise. Give and take builds a relationship;

Establishing Your Expectations 

This takes place at the beginning of every relationship – or it should. Here’s a few ways of doing so:

√ Be honorable. Be where you say you’ll be and do what you say you’re going to do;

√ Understand your own self worth. This includes your body, feelings and opinions;

√ Practice good character. Earning respect is much easier;

√ Establish firm boundaries. Don’t make excuses for poor behavior, especially when they cause harm to you;

√ Give respect. If you can’t, why are you with him?

When you’re able to see yourself with respect, others sense this and are less likely to act against you. If they do, take appropriate action and cut them out of your life. In the words of Miss Abileen (“The Help”), “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” (Source)

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She is the mother of two grown sons.


You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Respectful Relationships: Parents and Children

By Barbara Alvarez

You’ve heard it before – if you respect your parents, they will respect you. Parents, you know this is true. But kids, you think about those times when you want to do something and your parents won’t give you their permission. Parents, you think about the screaming fights and slammed doors. Each of you, children and parents, feel disrespected and knocked around. If you’re going to survive the next several years until adulthood, that foundation of respect has to be established.

Remembering the Early Years

Photo used under CC License from Anthony Catalano

 Mom, dad, you think back to when your teens were little, wide-eyed and round-cheeked. Not only were your children cute, they actually respected you. Well, most of the time, they did. When you told them, “No, you can’t play until after you take your nap,” while they weren’t happy, they obeyed you.

Now, their heights rival your own. Your son’s voice is deep and loud. Your daughter’s voice can carry. And when you tell them they can’t go to that party, disorder reigns. They slam doors. As they argue, their arms wave in the air as they emphasize their points. Then, one day, one of your kids threatens to go to the party regardless.

You Were so Close 

Photo used under CC License from J.K. Califf

Thinking back to when your kids were little, you remember that, when you made an unpopular decision, sure there were tears. They stomped from room to room, trying to get you to change your mind. But, knowing that you were their parents, they ultimately gave in. That night, they cuddled with you, sharing popcorn as you all watched a movie.

Now, of course, they share the living room with you, but not much else takes place. They slump in their seats, texting their friends and scowling, letting you know that you’ve ruined their lives. Where did all that respect go? It’s still there. Your kids are fulfilling their developmental scripts by rebelling and separating from you. But you can’t let threats and promises make you cave in. You’re their parents, not their grown-up friends.

Be Parents, Not Authoritarians 

Photo used under CC License from Kristen C.

That said, it’s time for you to remember that you’re doing the right thing. Your children “think” they know all about that big world outside your home. They believe they can handle anything – that they are invincible, immortal. But they aren’t.

When they argue that they can “handle” a potential life-threatening situation, such as being in the car with a drunk driver, they need to know that they, the driver, nor other drivers out there, can predict what will happen. You know what could happen. Because of your experience and knowledge, it is up to you to make the decisions and, in reestablishing respect, communicating your decision and the reasons behind that decision, to your children. You’ll have to do this many times between today and the day they turn 18, move out or go to college. Stand firm and be a loving, respectful parent!

Establishing Healthy Communication 

“But, why can’t I go? All the kids will be there!” You: Because. I said. That is all. Go to your room, end of discussion.” Is this communication? No, it isn’t. Your children deserve more than, “Because I said.” They want and need to know the whys and wherefores. Let’s try this again.

“But why can’t I go? All the kids will be there!” You: Not “all” the kids will be there. Dollars to donuts, other parents will refuse to allow their kids to go to a party with no parental supervision. We’re responsible for your safety, health and security. From what I know of your friend and his parents, they allow his friends to drink. That’s illegal. Your friends, his friends, his parents – and you – could all be charged with crimes. I love you too much to allow you to get into a situation like that. No. You’re not going. If your friend’s parents were more parents and less “friends,” maybe our decision would be different.”

Photo Under CC License from Katy

Now, look at the differences. You stated exactly why you’re refusing to give your kids permission to go to that party. You explained consequences. You put the responsibility for your decision on their friend’s lazy parents’ shoulders, which is where it belongs. Finally and most importantly, you expressed your love for your kids. Sure, they’re angry and they won’t hear that in the heat of the moment.

But tomorrow morning, when they turn on the television and hear that 60+ kids, including your friend, were taken to jail for underage drinking, they’ll realize you were right. When they hear that their friend’s “cool parents” were jailed and charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, that will hit home with them.

Don’t ease up. Be your children’s parents. Some day down the road, they will thank you for your tenacity. And most of all – they will respect you for it.

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She is the mother of two grown sons.


You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Teaching Our Daughters How to Respect Themselves

By Barbara Alvarez

It starts young. If we want our daughters to respect themselves – and for those they meet to respect them, we have to start teaching them very young how to communicate this to those they encounter. Speaking as one mom to another, begin as soon as your baby girl is born. Treat her with gentle love and respect so that she begins to pick up on the message that she is a worthy human being. Let’s go through this from infancy to teen years and beyond.

Copyright Wilson Tai, used under a CC License

As an Infant

Every time that you can, respond to her needs as she expresses them. When she cries, answer her right away. If you can’t get to her for a minute or two, don’t stress, but don’t let her go for too long without responding to her. She begins to pick up on whether she’s valued and loved. It’s in these critical earliest months that she begins to develop healthy attachments to attentive and loving parents and caregivers. If she isn’t taken care of – if she is allowed to cry without anyone feeding, holding, rocking or changing her, she’ll learn to distrust others around her. That message sticks lifelong.

Toddlerhood, Preschool and School Years

Copyright Ava Lowery, used under CC License

Moms, dads, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles – teach the little girls in your lives just how much you treasure and love them. Watch over and protect them. At the same time, allow them to speak up and express their feelings and opinions. At times, they will do so in a way that’s not very respectful, so teach them in a loving way how to do so.

As young girls get older and develop better control over their speech, family and friends can sit down with them and explain just why it’s so important for them to expect respect. These lessons will slowly become clear over the years as these young girls, now in school, begin to encounter other girls and boys in their classes.

In the Critical Teen Years

This is one of the most critical times for young teens. They begin questioning their worth in the world. Those who have been identified as gifted – and those not identified as such – may decide they will be more popular if they “dumb themselves down.” Of course, they may succeed in becoming more popular, but at the same time, the respect they worked so hard to earn will slowly disappear as others encounter girls who don’t seem very smart.

Families of young teen girls need to encourage them to allow their natural intelligence to show through, especially if they and their female family members want to achieve their goals.

Early Adulthood

With the critical teen years past them, our young adult women still may not be out of danger.

Copyright Richard Skoon, used under a CC License

During this “War on Women,” they need to know how to hold their own and face down those who would put them down and shortchange them just because of their gender.

Too many people, both male and female, believe it’s nothing for a young woman to be raped or violated in any other way. Many of our elected officials believe young women shouldn’t complain or speak up when someone disrespects them or violates their rights. It is up to us, as parents and other caregivers of today’s young girls, to change this mindset. Starting today. Our girls are worthy of respect.

We want to hear from you: How have you been a positive influence on the young girls in your life?

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who
confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She
is the mother of two grown sons.

You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

The Faces and Words of Domestic Violence

By Barbara Alvarez

You’re all about respect – self-respect, showing respect to others and expecting others show respect toward you. When it doesn't happen, you may feel disillusioned and wary about the person who disrespected you.


When it comes to someone treating you badly, however, do you know how to recognize it? When s/he tells you “You’re worthless. You’re a slut. You cheated on me,” do you recognize that as emotional and verbal abuse? Did you know that emotional/verbal abuse falls under the umbrella of domestic violence? Domestic violence isn't delivered at the end of a closed fist or a knife wielded in your partner’s hand.

Photo by Phoney Nickle. Used under Creative Commons License

Verbal and emotional abuse tear you down just as badly as that black eye, the bruises and the long cut on your arm will do. The difference is that, with one form of violence, nobody else sees the marks and scars. But you know they are there.

Eventually, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to believe that you’re stupid, worthless and a slut. You may be nervous around your partner, trying to keep him or her from lashing out with hateful, confidence-destroying words.

Then there’s the physical violence. Did you know that it takes, on average, seven incidents of domestic violence before a victim leaves her abuser? And, when you don’t know how you’re going to survive financially, you may not believe you have any other choice but to go back. There’s another consideration: Victims undergo progressively worse attacks as time goes on – and one of these attacks could end in her death, or that of one of her children.

Sexual abuse – rape – also falls under the domestic violence umbrella. You may believe that, when s/he demands sex, you have no choice but to comply, even if you don’t feel like it. That is wrong. If you don’t feel like it, then being expected to “perform” is rape. It’s a crime, no matter whether you have bruises and cuts or not.

Photo by flickr.com/jesjon87. Used under a Creative Commons License

You deserve better. If you know someone experiencing one of these forms of relationship violence, she deserves better. You do have resources available in your community. Call the police or sheriff’s department when you are being assaulted. Find someone you know you can trust and tell them what’s happening to you. Eventually, you’ll need to escape. Find a close friend who will allow you to stay with her for a few days while you think about your future. Most communities have a domestic violence shelter. Law enforcement can give you the number and, if needed, take you there. Because of the high risk of danger to the residents, the location of this shelter is kept secret.


Call the National Domestic Violence hotline. That number is 1-800-799-7233. The TTY number is 1-800-787-3224. You’ll be able to get guidance to needed resources as well as learn just what domestic violence is, how it looks and how it affects you. You’ll also learn about the cycle of violence.

Remember, you are worthy of respect and love. If you are in the middle of an intimate relationship that has become violent, you deserve better. To take a quote from Kathryn Stockett’s “The Help,” You is smart, you is kind, you is important.

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who
confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She
is the mother of two grown sons.

You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Respectful Relationships

By Barbara Alvarez 

There’s being respected in the relationships you have with others – family, friends, coworkers, supervisors and your significant other. Every coin has two sides. The “respectful relationships” coin is no different. The other (negative) side of the coin is one filled with disrespect, bullying and outright abuse. Let’s talk.

Family

Copyright Life Mental Health, used under Creative Commons 2.0

Your siblings are your first friends. You play, fight and get along with them. Personalities from sibling to sibling differ, with some being more assertive while others are more shy.

If you are a shy sibling, it’s likely your brothers or sisters have figured this out. “Hey, let’s thump her! She won’t tattle.” THUMP! And off you go, fighting tears and massaging a sore noggin. Maybe you’re the assertive one and you jump all over your shy sibling. Either way, it doesn't feel good.

Friends

When you get together with your friends, your interactions, decisions and activities follow a familiar pattern. Some of you make the choices about activities while the rest of you shrug, sometimes with your usual good nature and you go along. “Sure,” you say. “A movie sounds good. I really don’t care. Whatever you guys want to do.” Your lack of assertiveness can soon backfire on you, as your friends begin taking advantage of you.

Coworkers

Copyright World Bank Photo Collection Used Under Creative Commons 2.0

At work, you get along with some of your coworkers. You like them and hang out with them on breaks and at lunch. Other coworkers, you've learned to avoid because they just seem to have a constant chip on their shoulders, or they have learned they can shift their work over to you – and you won’t say anything.

Supervisors

Supervisors? Yes. While they are above you in the food chain, they should still treat you respectfully. Maybe they do, even if they do seem a bit...standoffish or distant.

Or maybe they figured out pretty quickly that they can take out their bad moods on you, swear at you when nobody else is around and, in general, make life miserable for you.

Copyright flickr.com/zoetnet Used under Creative Commons

Significant Others

This relationship has the most potential to destroy you if it’s an unhealthy one. Because your boyfriend – or girlfriend, if you’re lesbian – has become so emotionally and physically intimate with you, every negative interaction, word and action can destroy your self-image. Disrespectful relationships can too easily become violent, abusive ones. Let’s talk about respecting ourselves so others will respect us.

Developing Respect

You can’t be treated with respect until you've learned to treat yourself with respect. That means asserting your rights, choices and your decision to be treated right. Sure, you may think, “Well, of course I want to be treated right!”

Copyright Zen Sutherland, used under Creative Commons License

Thinking isn't action. Not until you've learned how to non-verbally communicate your good feelings about yourself to others. Once you've learned how to do this, it’s time to start communicating to others, “I won’t be mistreated any more. If you want to spend time with me, treat me right.” Communicate specifically how you will and won’t be treated. Go through this process with everyone in your circle. If anyone you associate with refuses to treat you right, cut them out of your life until they decide to change. Remember, you are a person of worth and beauty. Communicate this and expect others to start treating you with the respect due you.

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She is the mother of two grown sons.

You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!