Respectful Relationships: Parents and Children

By Barbara Alvarez

You’ve heard it before – if you respect your parents, they will respect you. Parents, you know this is true. But kids, you think about those times when you want to do something and your parents won’t give you their permission. Parents, you think about the screaming fights and slammed doors. Each of you, children and parents, feel disrespected and knocked around. If you’re going to survive the next several years until adulthood, that foundation of respect has to be established.

Remembering the Early Years

Photo used under CC License from Anthony Catalano

 Mom, dad, you think back to when your teens were little, wide-eyed and round-cheeked. Not only were your children cute, they actually respected you. Well, most of the time, they did. When you told them, “No, you can’t play until after you take your nap,” while they weren’t happy, they obeyed you.

Now, their heights rival your own. Your son’s voice is deep and loud. Your daughter’s voice can carry. And when you tell them they can’t go to that party, disorder reigns. They slam doors. As they argue, their arms wave in the air as they emphasize their points. Then, one day, one of your kids threatens to go to the party regardless.

You Were so Close 

Photo used under CC License from J.K. Califf

Thinking back to when your kids were little, you remember that, when you made an unpopular decision, sure there were tears. They stomped from room to room, trying to get you to change your mind. But, knowing that you were their parents, they ultimately gave in. That night, they cuddled with you, sharing popcorn as you all watched a movie.

Now, of course, they share the living room with you, but not much else takes place. They slump in their seats, texting their friends and scowling, letting you know that you’ve ruined their lives. Where did all that respect go? It’s still there. Your kids are fulfilling their developmental scripts by rebelling and separating from you. But you can’t let threats and promises make you cave in. You’re their parents, not their grown-up friends.

Be Parents, Not Authoritarians 

Photo used under CC License from Kristen C.

That said, it’s time for you to remember that you’re doing the right thing. Your children “think” they know all about that big world outside your home. They believe they can handle anything – that they are invincible, immortal. But they aren’t.

When they argue that they can “handle” a potential life-threatening situation, such as being in the car with a drunk driver, they need to know that they, the driver, nor other drivers out there, can predict what will happen. You know what could happen. Because of your experience and knowledge, it is up to you to make the decisions and, in reestablishing respect, communicating your decision and the reasons behind that decision, to your children. You’ll have to do this many times between today and the day they turn 18, move out or go to college. Stand firm and be a loving, respectful parent!

Establishing Healthy Communication 

“But, why can’t I go? All the kids will be there!” You: Because. I said. That is all. Go to your room, end of discussion.” Is this communication? No, it isn’t. Your children deserve more than, “Because I said.” They want and need to know the whys and wherefores. Let’s try this again.

“But why can’t I go? All the kids will be there!” You: Not “all” the kids will be there. Dollars to donuts, other parents will refuse to allow their kids to go to a party with no parental supervision. We’re responsible for your safety, health and security. From what I know of your friend and his parents, they allow his friends to drink. That’s illegal. Your friends, his friends, his parents – and you – could all be charged with crimes. I love you too much to allow you to get into a situation like that. No. You’re not going. If your friend’s parents were more parents and less “friends,” maybe our decision would be different.”

Photo Under CC License from Katy

Now, look at the differences. You stated exactly why you’re refusing to give your kids permission to go to that party. You explained consequences. You put the responsibility for your decision on their friend’s lazy parents’ shoulders, which is where it belongs. Finally and most importantly, you expressed your love for your kids. Sure, they’re angry and they won’t hear that in the heat of the moment.

But tomorrow morning, when they turn on the television and hear that 60+ kids, including your friend, were taken to jail for underage drinking, they’ll realize you were right. When they hear that their friend’s “cool parents” were jailed and charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, that will hit home with them.

Don’t ease up. Be your children’s parents. Some day down the road, they will thank you for your tenacity. And most of all – they will respect you for it.

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She is the mother of two grown sons.


You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Bring On the Disabled Dolls!

The coveted Samantha Doll of my youth. 

I’m a self-confessed American Girl Doll lover. These dolls - and the American Girl books that came with them - were a large part of my childhood. I’d wait for the new catalog to arrive from the then-independently owned Pleasant Company and circle everything I’d ask Santa for. I was in love with Samantha - the Victorian brunette with big brown eyes and a penchant for shaking up socio-economic norms of the time. I scrimped and saved and wished for a doll - a doll that was like me, a doll that I could identify with. By the time I could afford one after socking away quarters from weeding gardens and doing chores, my interest had waned, but the American Girl brand and name has continued on.

Now owned by Mattel, the American Girl franchise has moved on - some say they’ve cheapened their image, others are of no mind, keeping their eye on the joy they bring little girls. But there’s a limited selection to choose from - even the modern American Girl Dolls are leaning toward the blonde, pretty and able-bodied, active archetype that Mattel pushes.


One little girl is sick of the same old same old. 10-year-old Melissa Shang, from Paoli, Pennsylvania wants to see a disabled doll grace the pages of her American Girl Magazine. Shang, who lives in a suburb of my hometown Philadelphia, has Charcot-Marie-Tooth syndrome, a neurological disorder and form of muscular dystrophy. Melissa struggles with muscle weakness and numbness and does a stellar job of making it through each day despite her disability. 

Melissa Shang poses with her American Girl Doll.

And like all of us who were touched by the magic of these dolls, Melissa wants to see a doll that looks like her and shares a story like her. In her petition on Change.org, Melissa says “"For once, I don't want to be invisible or a side character that the main American Girl has to help: I want other girls to know what it's like to be me, through a disabled American Girl's story,"

Never mind that there are limited Asian American Girl Dolls - in fact, most American Girl Dolls use one of only a couple facial moulds in their manufacture - Melissa wants the world to know what it’s like to be differently abled. And I couldn’t be a bigger supporter of this idea.

I have a sibling who is disabled. He uses leg braces and is sometimes in a wheelchair. Growing up, it never factored into my mind that he was somehow different than the rest of us - he was, actually, the popular kid. But as I grow up and my eyes open to the rest of the world, it’s pretty clear: There’s a pretty distinct lack of toys that let other kids know what it’s like to be a disabled person in a typically abled world.

And isn’t the point of the American Girl Dolls and their stories to let our kids experience the life of someone else for a little while? I wanted to be a Victorian class warrior. Other girls wanted to be a colonial feminist or a headstrong immigrant pioneer. What would it hurt for Mattel to let a generation of girls understand what it’s like to be a strong, kick-ass girl in a wheelchair, one like Melissa Shang? 

We need a disabled American Girl Doll!

American Girl does offer a “Feel Better Kit” for their dolls that comes with crutches, a wheelchair and casts but this does little to bolster the spirits of girls who are permanently disabled. Not only is it patronizing to have to purchase a “Feel Better Kit” - as if slapping a few Band-Aids on the problem will make it go away - but it’s also a discredit to the original Pleasant Company vision - to provide girls with dolls that are just like them, but also different enough that they could experience an entirely new world. Relatable, but still able to teach something new.

Girls like Melissa should be able to log on to InnerStarU.com and play American Girl games featuring a protagonist that faces the same challenges - and share in the same triumphs - that they do. They deserve to walk, stroll or wheel into any of the American Girl stores across the country and see a doll that looks like they do, with a story like theirs, instead of having to purchase an afterthought, add-on accessory kit with none of the stellar and heartwarming storytelling the American Girl Dolls are known for.

As of December 31, Melissa’s petition has 10,000 supporters. I’d like to see enough people sign the petition to make Mattel take notice and create a character for Melissa and the thousands of other girls like her.

What do you think about the idea of a disabled American Girl Doll? Were you an American Girl Doll fan growing up? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below!

Caitlin Seida has been writing since 2006, with her work appearing on various websites including Livestrong.com, TypeF.com, Salon.com, Dogster.com and The Daily Puppy. A Jill-of-All-Trades, she splits her workday as a writer, humane society advocate and on-call vet tech. What little free time she has goes into pinup modeling, advocating for self-acceptance, knitting and trying to maintain her haunted house (really!). You can find her on Facebook, on Twitter, and of course here on I Feel Delicious!

Dear Julia: Your Parents Still Care - They Just Don't Understand

Julia, love!

It's been a while since we've talked - years, in fact. I want you to know that I still think about you often. It's not that I've forgotten about you, it's just that looking back on you makes me feel so awkward and awful.

That whole decision about telling your parents you're bisexual? Stop worrying so much. They'll surprise you. You won't be kicked out, you won't be disowned. You won't even really be criticized. Your parents love and support you - even if they don't understand.

Your dad will shake his head and quietly excuse himself from the conversation - which is par for the course. Your dad never wants to discuss your love life. And that's fine. He loves you no matter what.

Your mom will act a little disappointed at first, and then convince herself it's just a phase. You know better. She'll be uncomfortable the first few times you bring your girlfriend around, but she'll come around.

Give her time to get used to the fact that her only daughter is not living the life SHE imagined for you. She saw a future for you that she herself wanted - a good husband, lots of kids, a house in suburbia. But that's just not you, sweetie. And that's okay - you didn't crumble her hopes and dreams for you, you just replaced the groom's tuxedo with a second wedding dress. She'll come around and eventually she'll love your girlfriend as much as you do.

All the other bullshit you go through - the taunts, the jeers, the harassment - they don't matter. Because you are one of the lucky few who has the support of your family. And that's all that really matters.

Hold your head up high,

Love,
Your future self.

Teaching Our Daughters How to Respect Themselves

By Barbara Alvarez

It starts young. If we want our daughters to respect themselves – and for those they meet to respect them, we have to start teaching them very young how to communicate this to those they encounter. Speaking as one mom to another, begin as soon as your baby girl is born. Treat her with gentle love and respect so that she begins to pick up on the message that she is a worthy human being. Let’s go through this from infancy to teen years and beyond.

Copyright Wilson Tai, used under a CC License

As an Infant

Every time that you can, respond to her needs as she expresses them. When she cries, answer her right away. If you can’t get to her for a minute or two, don’t stress, but don’t let her go for too long without responding to her. She begins to pick up on whether she’s valued and loved. It’s in these critical earliest months that she begins to develop healthy attachments to attentive and loving parents and caregivers. If she isn’t taken care of – if she is allowed to cry without anyone feeding, holding, rocking or changing her, she’ll learn to distrust others around her. That message sticks lifelong.

Toddlerhood, Preschool and School Years

Copyright Ava Lowery, used under CC License

Moms, dads, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles – teach the little girls in your lives just how much you treasure and love them. Watch over and protect them. At the same time, allow them to speak up and express their feelings and opinions. At times, they will do so in a way that’s not very respectful, so teach them in a loving way how to do so.

As young girls get older and develop better control over their speech, family and friends can sit down with them and explain just why it’s so important for them to expect respect. These lessons will slowly become clear over the years as these young girls, now in school, begin to encounter other girls and boys in their classes.

In the Critical Teen Years

This is one of the most critical times for young teens. They begin questioning their worth in the world. Those who have been identified as gifted – and those not identified as such – may decide they will be more popular if they “dumb themselves down.” Of course, they may succeed in becoming more popular, but at the same time, the respect they worked so hard to earn will slowly disappear as others encounter girls who don’t seem very smart.

Families of young teen girls need to encourage them to allow their natural intelligence to show through, especially if they and their female family members want to achieve their goals.

Early Adulthood

With the critical teen years past them, our young adult women still may not be out of danger.

Copyright Richard Skoon, used under a CC License

During this “War on Women,” they need to know how to hold their own and face down those who would put them down and shortchange them just because of their gender.

Too many people, both male and female, believe it’s nothing for a young woman to be raped or violated in any other way. Many of our elected officials believe young women shouldn’t complain or speak up when someone disrespects them or violates their rights. It is up to us, as parents and other caregivers of today’s young girls, to change this mindset. Starting today. Our girls are worthy of respect.

We want to hear from you: How have you been a positive influence on the young girls in your life?

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who
confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She
is the mother of two grown sons.

You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Why Patrick Star Makes a Poor Halloween Costume (and other holiday ramblings)

I live in Athens County, Ohio. Here, we’re known for many things:  The  pawpaw Festival, being haunted, Ohio University’s Maya Lin & Matt Lauer, the murderous (and still missing) Professor Stees – and, of course, our annual Halloween Block Party, where locals and students enjoy a night of music, drinking and dress-up with 30,000 weekend visitors, all packed into a 4-block section of uptown Athens. It’s crazy, and it’s kind of a big deal. In 2009, Playboy Magazine listed OU as the Top Party School, saying our “Halloween party might be the best in the country.” And though I haven’t been to every party in the country, I am partial to the big one right here in my own back yard. I’ve been going since 1989.

What's with the "slut" reference?
Why can't we say "sex pot" or "Halloween Hottie" ??

It’s great to watch, as I often do, checking out the costumes and mentally deciding my favorites. This year I adored the retro-looking Circus Strong Man, the crying mummy, the beer-pongers,  plus all the brightly lit jellyfish. And I’ll admit, I also checked out  the myriad of  lovely ladies wearing skimpy, tight-fitting outfits. How could I not? There were scantily–clad Elmo’s, foxes, peacocks, pirates, prisoners, monsters, vampires, umpires, witches, and mermaids… and pretty much anything else you can think of. Other than wondering why in the hell they would wear something so skimpy in 40 degree weather, standing there shivering next to their male companions -  who usually wore flannel underneath his vampire, Smurf, werewolf or policeman uniform – I don’t judge. I support my female comrades and their choice to wear whatever makes them happy… AND whatever makes them feel like one hot mama!

Actually, I prefer that all my cosmic sisters wear clothing that boosts their self-esteem. And if that happens to be something that shows their ass cheeks, or the bottoms (or tops) of  their boobs .. then rock the hell on!! You know why? Because if I were ever to wear the same thing, I want the same support and understanding that I’m giving everyone else. Treat others the way YOU want to be treated is a philosophy we all need to live by. No need for slut-labeling and slut-shaming. Hating other women just for the sake of hating them is the real shame. And I don’t want any part of it.

Dressing warm for the Block Party... 20+ years ago.
I'm in the green sweater.

But, as I stood there watching all the women who braved the cold to wear something that honestly gave them no protection from the nearly-freezing weather, I had to wonder --- why?  Why did so many women feel it necessary to sacrifice warmth for these barely-there outfits? I remember one of my early  block parties. I wore a turtleneck and a green sweater, gloves, boots and a coat. It was about 40 degrees and I was still cold! No way would I have worn anything less… and I regretted not wearing more! And thinking back, I honestly don’t remember more than  a handful of partially naked women walking Court Street… and most of them were running from one party to the next, trying to get out of the cold!

Same character, different gender. Notice anything?

So what happened over the past 20 years? How did we go from sweaters to swimsuits? 

I know, we all have free will. I get that. We all decide what we’re going to put on our bodies every day and how we present ourselves to the public… but we are also guided (consciously and subconsciously) by the world around us. Advertisers, magazines, clothing stores, movies and social media bombards us with images of what is popular, acceptable, expected and attractive. Over the years, this has influenced our choices for Halloween costumes. For men, it’s often something funny, masculine, scary or simple. A mask of a famous person, a super hero, an iconic horror movie villain, a pirate, and both a life sized banana and a chicken were on the shelves of our local Walmart. On the other side were women’s choices: sexy Minnie Mouse, sexy fairy, sexy kitty cat, sexy vampire, sexy witch, sexy ghost, and so forth. The women’s costumes costs more, but had far less material and items in the packaging. It doesn’t take much to make a sexy kitty cat, after all. The costume came with fishnet stockings, kitty ears, a tail, and a little skirt. The chicken costume came with a full, one-size fits all oversized, zip-up chicken suit – with a face mask. It actually looked like a chicken. The kitty costume did not.

There is a definite double standard when it comes to our Halloween options. Available outfits have become sexualized to the point that it would be laughable if companies were JUST targeting grown woman, and not advertising their sexist ideals onto teens, tweens, and even younger girls who are trying to develop their sense of self and gender. Look at the below image from an online storefront. These costumes are marketed to teens and tweens. Notice anything? Perhaps that they ALL have an incredibly SHORT mini-skirt? Boots and/or heels?   Gloves and tight fitting tops? Some even show the belly or a bit of cleavage.

I'm a mom and a grandma... and I just gotta ask: Who's buying these things for their teens and tweens? And why the hell would you do that?? These outfits are maybe ONE step down from an adult lingerie/sexy bedroom outfit from an online retailer. Don't believe me? Here's an ad from Frederick's of Hollywood. 

Told you.

And to prove my argument (well..... concern) one last time, I'm going to allow this Patrick Star from Spongebob to illustrate my point for me... that the world is pushing young girls into sexualizing themselves, while boys are absent of this pressure:

Why do boys get to be fun, goofy Patrick but the girls are made to wear sexy skirts and Patrick on their shirts?
And why in the hell is this little girls outfit the exact same as the adult woman's outfit???

A fav of mine from the 2013
Athens Halloween Block Party.

 I want to make this very clear: I support a grown woman's right to wear whatever she wants, when she wants to wear it. I applaud all of you who refuse to conform to the opinions and ideals of others. I love that you wanted to be a sexy butterfly for Halloween, or that you DIDN'T want to be a sexy butterfly. You did what you wanted and I love that about you.

BUT, if you're doing it because the media directs you towards that path, or you think it's expected of you, then know that you are equally wonderful if you wore a blue garbage can, standing next to a group of guys (also in blue garbage cans) and having people throw beer pong balls at you... because it's okay to be funny, and warm, and creative with your costumes. You don't have to walk around town freezing your asses off just because Walmart and Amazon were only selling skimpy animal costumes.

And guess what? Next year you can be the sexy cat AND wear thermal underwear underneath that shirt and knit leggings rather than stockings - and you can still feel sexy while doing it!

Oh... and remember: you can always wear a green sweater, a turtleneck, boots, a jacket and gloves.  I'm sure you'll still look hot - while keeping yourself warm. Maybe throw on a chicken suit and have your male companion wear a sexy kitty cat costume. Keep an eye out for me and wave me down. I'm gonna wanna see it. You might just make it onto my list of Favs.

Thanks for listening!

~ Terri Jean