What is Respect in a Romantic Relationship?

Eye Candy Girl Emily - Courtesy of Terri Jean Photography

By Barbara Alvarez

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” We’ve all heard that old Aretha Franklin tune. Mom and dad gave that song to me – in the form of a 45 rpm vinyl record when I was but a teen. (Now that you know my vintage ...) Aretha sang about respect and Tina Turner sang about “What’s Love Got to Do with It,” in her movie. (Turner wrote a book, then adapted the book into her movie, “What’s Love Got to Do with It,” referencing her years of isolation and abuse.)

Eye Candy Girl Brandi Reminding You To Respect Yourself!

Respecting Yourself 

Know what your self-worth is. “I’m always getting yelled at and put down. Why?” Could it be the message you’re putting out, even if you’re not aware you’re doing so? Before you can receive respect from others, you have to respect yourself.

You’re not truly better than others, but you do have worth in this world. With your circle of friends, family and coworkers, you should be communicating, “I am worthy. I know what I know.”
Nobody has the right to put their hands on you in anger, especially when you do not want that. When you communicate with others, they should respect you in word and deed. You are worth more than put-downs and swear words.

Respecting Your Partner

If you expect to be respected, you need to demonstrate respect to your romantic partner, as well as to coworkers, family and friends. When you’re angry at him, think before speaking. Yes, in the heat of the moment, blurting something out just to punish him feels good – but what about later?

Your words and actions act just like the sharpest knife in the drawer – they cut and hurt. It’s impossible to take them back. Throttle those words and say, “I need some time.” Walk away, go for a run or hit the punching bag. Once you’re calmer, come back and discuss the issue – rationally. 

Eye Candy Girl Natalie Communicating! 

Ways of Showing Respect

 Because you want to be respected, you need to be ready to show respect. After all, part of showing you’re worthy of respect means you need to give the same consideration. We’ve already covered careful word choice. Let’s cover a few other ways:

√ Respect his emotional and physical boundaries. These include his time, touching and honoring his need to be with others or by himself;

√ Be considerate, thoughtful and helpful;

√ Notice when he’s done the laundry or made dinner reservations for you. More than just 
“noticing,” speak up and say, “I appreciate this;”

√ Compromise. Give and take builds a relationship;

Establishing Your Expectations 

This takes place at the beginning of every relationship – or it should. Here’s a few ways of doing so:

√ Be honorable. Be where you say you’ll be and do what you say you’re going to do;

√ Understand your own self worth. This includes your body, feelings and opinions;

√ Practice good character. Earning respect is much easier;

√ Establish firm boundaries. Don’t make excuses for poor behavior, especially when they cause harm to you;

√ Give respect. If you can’t, why are you with him?

When you’re able to see yourself with respect, others sense this and are less likely to act against you. If they do, take appropriate action and cut them out of your life. In the words of Miss Abileen (“The Help”), “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” (Source)

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She is the mother of two grown sons.


You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Groundhog Day: Do You Keep Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again?

February 2 is Groundhog Day, a day to celebrate a garden pest that most people try to get rid of but look forward to seeing this one day a year. Funny? Not so much. *Actually* funny though is the 1993 movie of the same name starring Bill Murray, where he lives the same day over and over again. I've included a tribute to that movie from my favorite TV Show "Supernatural" to catch you guys up on the concept, just in case you need a refresher.

But really, it begs the question - are you doing the same thing over and over again? Making the same mistakes in life, love, at work, at school? Are you unhappy? Why do you keep doing it?

The only way to break out of that Groundhog Day mentality is to reexamine your life, your goals, your priorities and your actions. So what are you waiting for? Go forth and make sure you aren't living the same day over and over again out of the same bad habits you've had for a long time. Start loving yourself - poke your head out into the world, and don't be afraid if you see your own shadow. Spring will come eventually.

Caitlin Seida has been writing since 2006, with her work appearing on various websites including Livestrong.com, TypeF.com, Salon.com, Dogster.com and The Daily Puppy. A Jill-of-All-Trades, she splits her workday as a writer, humane society advocate and on-call vet tech. What little free time she has goes into pinup modeling, advocating for self-acceptance, knitting and trying to maintain her haunted house (really!). You can find her on Facebook, on Twitter, and of course here on I Feel Delicious!

Respectful Relationships: Parents and Children

By Barbara Alvarez

You’ve heard it before – if you respect your parents, they will respect you. Parents, you know this is true. But kids, you think about those times when you want to do something and your parents won’t give you their permission. Parents, you think about the screaming fights and slammed doors. Each of you, children and parents, feel disrespected and knocked around. If you’re going to survive the next several years until adulthood, that foundation of respect has to be established.

Remembering the Early Years

Photo used under CC License from Anthony Catalano

 Mom, dad, you think back to when your teens were little, wide-eyed and round-cheeked. Not only were your children cute, they actually respected you. Well, most of the time, they did. When you told them, “No, you can’t play until after you take your nap,” while they weren’t happy, they obeyed you.

Now, their heights rival your own. Your son’s voice is deep and loud. Your daughter’s voice can carry. And when you tell them they can’t go to that party, disorder reigns. They slam doors. As they argue, their arms wave in the air as they emphasize their points. Then, one day, one of your kids threatens to go to the party regardless.

You Were so Close 

Photo used under CC License from J.K. Califf

Thinking back to when your kids were little, you remember that, when you made an unpopular decision, sure there were tears. They stomped from room to room, trying to get you to change your mind. But, knowing that you were their parents, they ultimately gave in. That night, they cuddled with you, sharing popcorn as you all watched a movie.

Now, of course, they share the living room with you, but not much else takes place. They slump in their seats, texting their friends and scowling, letting you know that you’ve ruined their lives. Where did all that respect go? It’s still there. Your kids are fulfilling their developmental scripts by rebelling and separating from you. But you can’t let threats and promises make you cave in. You’re their parents, not their grown-up friends.

Be Parents, Not Authoritarians 

Photo used under CC License from Kristen C.

That said, it’s time for you to remember that you’re doing the right thing. Your children “think” they know all about that big world outside your home. They believe they can handle anything – that they are invincible, immortal. But they aren’t.

When they argue that they can “handle” a potential life-threatening situation, such as being in the car with a drunk driver, they need to know that they, the driver, nor other drivers out there, can predict what will happen. You know what could happen. Because of your experience and knowledge, it is up to you to make the decisions and, in reestablishing respect, communicating your decision and the reasons behind that decision, to your children. You’ll have to do this many times between today and the day they turn 18, move out or go to college. Stand firm and be a loving, respectful parent!

Establishing Healthy Communication 

“But, why can’t I go? All the kids will be there!” You: Because. I said. That is all. Go to your room, end of discussion.” Is this communication? No, it isn’t. Your children deserve more than, “Because I said.” They want and need to know the whys and wherefores. Let’s try this again.

“But why can’t I go? All the kids will be there!” You: Not “all” the kids will be there. Dollars to donuts, other parents will refuse to allow their kids to go to a party with no parental supervision. We’re responsible for your safety, health and security. From what I know of your friend and his parents, they allow his friends to drink. That’s illegal. Your friends, his friends, his parents – and you – could all be charged with crimes. I love you too much to allow you to get into a situation like that. No. You’re not going. If your friend’s parents were more parents and less “friends,” maybe our decision would be different.”

Photo Under CC License from Katy

Now, look at the differences. You stated exactly why you’re refusing to give your kids permission to go to that party. You explained consequences. You put the responsibility for your decision on their friend’s lazy parents’ shoulders, which is where it belongs. Finally and most importantly, you expressed your love for your kids. Sure, they’re angry and they won’t hear that in the heat of the moment.

But tomorrow morning, when they turn on the television and hear that 60+ kids, including your friend, were taken to jail for underage drinking, they’ll realize you were right. When they hear that their friend’s “cool parents” were jailed and charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, that will hit home with them.

Don’t ease up. Be your children’s parents. Some day down the road, they will thank you for your tenacity. And most of all – they will respect you for it.

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She is the mother of two grown sons.


You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Dear Julia: Your Parents Still Care - They Just Don't Understand

Julia, love!

It's been a while since we've talked - years, in fact. I want you to know that I still think about you often. It's not that I've forgotten about you, it's just that looking back on you makes me feel so awkward and awful.

That whole decision about telling your parents you're bisexual? Stop worrying so much. They'll surprise you. You won't be kicked out, you won't be disowned. You won't even really be criticized. Your parents love and support you - even if they don't understand.

Your dad will shake his head and quietly excuse himself from the conversation - which is par for the course. Your dad never wants to discuss your love life. And that's fine. He loves you no matter what.

Your mom will act a little disappointed at first, and then convince herself it's just a phase. You know better. She'll be uncomfortable the first few times you bring your girlfriend around, but she'll come around.

Give her time to get used to the fact that her only daughter is not living the life SHE imagined for you. She saw a future for you that she herself wanted - a good husband, lots of kids, a house in suburbia. But that's just not you, sweetie. And that's okay - you didn't crumble her hopes and dreams for you, you just replaced the groom's tuxedo with a second wedding dress. She'll come around and eventually she'll love your girlfriend as much as you do.

All the other bullshit you go through - the taunts, the jeers, the harassment - they don't matter. Because you are one of the lucky few who has the support of your family. And that's all that really matters.

Hold your head up high,

Love,
Your future self.

Dear Whitney: You're not his first victim...Speak up.

Dear Whitney At Age 16,
Don't take it personally - I know you think you're hot stuff right now. And you're right. This is the last big summer you have before you leave high school. But I am telling you right now, you're worth more than you give yourself credit for.

This guy? He's bad news. He's not a bad guy, but he's got his own issues. It's not a bad thing to explore your sexuality, but this guy right here? 40+, balding, still living with his parents even though he's a CEO of a rather well known company? Honey, where are your red flags and why are you IGNORING them?

I could tell you not to talk to him, I could tell you not to go out with him. I could tell you not to fool around with him. I could even tell you not to get in the car. But you won't listen - you're stubborn. And I know that all too well.

One of these nights he's going to do all the right things - take you out for a night on the town, get you all the alcohol you want, and then when you're just slowed down enough, he's going to ask for something you don't wanna give up. I'm not telling you who to sleep with or not sleep with, but when he starts begging you to forego condoms? Get out of the car and run. Because he's bad news from head to toe.

And then, instead of worrying about getting in trouble for what happened? For being somewhere you weren't supposed to be, for doing things you weren't supposed to be doing? Tell someone. Speak up. Because you're probably not the first girl he did this to, and you're almost definitely not the last. Get over the intimidation, get over the shame and say something to someone. Anyone.

Otherwise, it'll eat you alive for years, wondering which young thing he's got his paws on tonight and if you could have done anything to stop it. You'll never know if people would have listened or believed you - and you'll keep wondering that forever - because you didn't even try.

You'll have your share of experiences over the years - some you regret, some you wish you'd done differently. You'll explore your sexuality and some things you'll still be proud of later - some, not so much. But this is one instance where you need to understand: What he'll do is not your fault. You'll say no. He won't listen. What is your responsibility is to speak up. Maybe then you'll avoid the whole mess of mistrusting guys and that little drinking problem you have in college.

Like I said, I'm not trying to tell you how to run your life, Whit. I'm just trying to give you some advice from someone who has been there and done that and just now, almost 10 years later, is finally speaking up. To you.

I love you sweetie. Stay strong.
Whit - age 25

Teaching Our Daughters How to Respect Themselves

By Barbara Alvarez

It starts young. If we want our daughters to respect themselves – and for those they meet to respect them, we have to start teaching them very young how to communicate this to those they encounter. Speaking as one mom to another, begin as soon as your baby girl is born. Treat her with gentle love and respect so that she begins to pick up on the message that she is a worthy human being. Let’s go through this from infancy to teen years and beyond.

Copyright Wilson Tai, used under a CC License

As an Infant

Every time that you can, respond to her needs as she expresses them. When she cries, answer her right away. If you can’t get to her for a minute or two, don’t stress, but don’t let her go for too long without responding to her. She begins to pick up on whether she’s valued and loved. It’s in these critical earliest months that she begins to develop healthy attachments to attentive and loving parents and caregivers. If she isn’t taken care of – if she is allowed to cry without anyone feeding, holding, rocking or changing her, she’ll learn to distrust others around her. That message sticks lifelong.

Toddlerhood, Preschool and School Years

Copyright Ava Lowery, used under CC License

Moms, dads, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles – teach the little girls in your lives just how much you treasure and love them. Watch over and protect them. At the same time, allow them to speak up and express their feelings and opinions. At times, they will do so in a way that’s not very respectful, so teach them in a loving way how to do so.

As young girls get older and develop better control over their speech, family and friends can sit down with them and explain just why it’s so important for them to expect respect. These lessons will slowly become clear over the years as these young girls, now in school, begin to encounter other girls and boys in their classes.

In the Critical Teen Years

This is one of the most critical times for young teens. They begin questioning their worth in the world. Those who have been identified as gifted – and those not identified as such – may decide they will be more popular if they “dumb themselves down.” Of course, they may succeed in becoming more popular, but at the same time, the respect they worked so hard to earn will slowly disappear as others encounter girls who don’t seem very smart.

Families of young teen girls need to encourage them to allow their natural intelligence to show through, especially if they and their female family members want to achieve their goals.

Early Adulthood

With the critical teen years past them, our young adult women still may not be out of danger.

Copyright Richard Skoon, used under a CC License

During this “War on Women,” they need to know how to hold their own and face down those who would put them down and shortchange them just because of their gender.

Too many people, both male and female, believe it’s nothing for a young woman to be raped or violated in any other way. Many of our elected officials believe young women shouldn’t complain or speak up when someone disrespects them or violates their rights. It is up to us, as parents and other caregivers of today’s young girls, to change this mindset. Starting today. Our girls are worthy of respect.

We want to hear from you: How have you been a positive influence on the young girls in your life?

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who
confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She
is the mother of two grown sons.

You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

The Faces and Words of Domestic Violence

By Barbara Alvarez

You’re all about respect – self-respect, showing respect to others and expecting others show respect toward you. When it doesn't happen, you may feel disillusioned and wary about the person who disrespected you.


When it comes to someone treating you badly, however, do you know how to recognize it? When s/he tells you “You’re worthless. You’re a slut. You cheated on me,” do you recognize that as emotional and verbal abuse? Did you know that emotional/verbal abuse falls under the umbrella of domestic violence? Domestic violence isn't delivered at the end of a closed fist or a knife wielded in your partner’s hand.

Photo by Phoney Nickle. Used under Creative Commons License

Verbal and emotional abuse tear you down just as badly as that black eye, the bruises and the long cut on your arm will do. The difference is that, with one form of violence, nobody else sees the marks and scars. But you know they are there.

Eventually, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to believe that you’re stupid, worthless and a slut. You may be nervous around your partner, trying to keep him or her from lashing out with hateful, confidence-destroying words.

Then there’s the physical violence. Did you know that it takes, on average, seven incidents of domestic violence before a victim leaves her abuser? And, when you don’t know how you’re going to survive financially, you may not believe you have any other choice but to go back. There’s another consideration: Victims undergo progressively worse attacks as time goes on – and one of these attacks could end in her death, or that of one of her children.

Sexual abuse – rape – also falls under the domestic violence umbrella. You may believe that, when s/he demands sex, you have no choice but to comply, even if you don’t feel like it. That is wrong. If you don’t feel like it, then being expected to “perform” is rape. It’s a crime, no matter whether you have bruises and cuts or not.

Photo by flickr.com/jesjon87. Used under a Creative Commons License

You deserve better. If you know someone experiencing one of these forms of relationship violence, she deserves better. You do have resources available in your community. Call the police or sheriff’s department when you are being assaulted. Find someone you know you can trust and tell them what’s happening to you. Eventually, you’ll need to escape. Find a close friend who will allow you to stay with her for a few days while you think about your future. Most communities have a domestic violence shelter. Law enforcement can give you the number and, if needed, take you there. Because of the high risk of danger to the residents, the location of this shelter is kept secret.


Call the National Domestic Violence hotline. That number is 1-800-799-7233. The TTY number is 1-800-787-3224. You’ll be able to get guidance to needed resources as well as learn just what domestic violence is, how it looks and how it affects you. You’ll also learn about the cycle of violence.

Remember, you are worthy of respect and love. If you are in the middle of an intimate relationship that has become violent, you deserve better. To take a quote from Kathryn Stockett’s “The Help,” You is smart, you is kind, you is important.

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who
confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She
is the mother of two grown sons.

You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Conventional Behavior: Doing Cons Right

By Tali’Belle Cosplay

So I've gone over a few things in the con/cosplay community which are awful, absolutely inappropriate, and just not right. "But Tali’Belle, hang on there!" you say, "How can we have fun at cons if there are so many rules and so many things we can’t do?" Well, citizen, first of all, it’s all about using your head, common sense and all that. If it’s inappropriate and rude in everyday life, it’s probably inappropriate and rude at a con too. But then things can get blurry when we take into account that at a con, you know you are surrounded by your fellow nerds and people who enjoy what you do. Is it appropriate to ask the cute couple cosplaying as Tali and Garrus if they plan to do some ‘Talibrations’ later? After all, you aren't insulting them or touching them, you’re joking. Can you yell ‘PASTAAAA’ if you’re cosplaying as Italy from Hetalia? After all, it IS in character. Is it permissible to ‘ship’ other cosplayers when dressed as Nepeta Leijon or another shipper/matchmaker character?

Copyright flickr.com/siredgar Used under Creative Commons License

Well, here’s the thing: conventions are fun, exciting, and a place where a nerd can feel at home, so by all means, if people aren't bothered by your behavior and it isn't hurting/endangering anyone (including yourself, it’s probably ill-advised for a Batman cosplayer to think they can actually glide off a third floor railing in the Marriott Marquis, all told. Even if he won’t land on anyone.) have a good time. But here are some things to consider:

The first thing is asking for a photograph/hug/handshake/etc. Be mindful of the person you are requesting it from as well as your location. Is the person upset, preoccupied, or rushing somewhere? If so, wait. You’ll probably see them again. Also, are you asking in the dealer’s hall or another crowded area? If so, take it outside, step out for a moment to a place that’s more relaxed where you won’t be in the way.

Now, permission is also important. Some cosplayers are shy, or self-conscious, or a host of other reasons they don’t wish to be photographed. Unless they have entered a contest on stage where photography is part of the package, you have to ask. Not only for their sake, but also for the sake of those around you. Younger con goers or parents who brought young children are there and what could be creepier than, say, a grown man with a camera aimed at a particularly attractive Sailor Scout without the cosplayer’s knowledge?

Robert Downey Jr. Invades Tom Hiddleston's Space. Don't be like RDJ!

As for the touching thing, from personal experience, let me explain to you: cosplayers of all ages, genders, and sizes have likely been perved on or groped before. They have no way of knowing you aren’t reaching for their crotch, ass, or breasts when going in for a hug, so please, ask before you do (and once given permission, keep in mind that isn't an invitation to go for those places, remember the picture of Tom Hiddleston with his arm around Emma Watson for a picture? Be like Tom Hiddleston, hug respectfully.)

Another thing to be aware of is your costume/prop. Cosplaying as Songbird or a Big Daddy from the Bioshock games? Awesome! Amazing costume, big ticket price or lots of hard work, I’m sure you’re very proud of it. But watch large parts or props like a wingspan or a weapon. I know from experience it is uncomfortable trying to sit with or carry one of these, but a staff should be carried upright and at your side or just ever so slightly in front of you unless you are posing. A sword should be sheathed or carried by your side; a gun must be holstered or, in the case of large ones like Seras Victoria of Hellsing’s Harkonnen Canon, carried like a staff. This is not just to avoid hurting other con goers but also to keep your prop from getting broken. Props are expensive and take a lot of skill and effort to craft; it is devastating for one to be destroyed.

On that note, same principal as touching a cosplayer applies to touching their props: Ask permission. You don’t know what it’s made of, how much it cost, how much work was put in, how delicate it is. Its owner does, so listen to them when they say whether or not you can hold/touch their prop and when they tell you how.

Copyright Doug Kline. Used Under a Creative Commons License

Remember the last article I wrote where our male model cosplayer Mark had a pregnant girlfriend who stayed home from the con? Consider your health. Not everyone follows con etiquette and accidents do happen. If you have a medical condition or are ill, it may be best to stay home. If not, most people do understand. Tickets are expensive and non-refundable and con plague IS a fact of life, as long as it isn't potentially life threatening, no one will hate you for showing up with a cold. As to being pregnant? If you still decide to show up, there is no shame or stigma. Maternity cosplays can be adorable (and who wouldn't think it was cute if our Drogo had had a lovely Daenerys carrying Rhaego inside of her cosplaying with him?) but please, be careful. Be alert for unruly congoers and dangerous situations because frankly some people are just plain stupid and think nothing of endangering fellow congoers. To those of you who are those people: stop it. There is NOTHING cute about someone getting hurt or worse because of your antics. Pouncing, glomping, etc. are NEVER appropriate unless it’s a previously agreed upon skit or photoshoot with a friend.

Thrall and Aggra from WoW

Both sides of the coin for harassment: For those of you who harass a fellow cosplayer; stop and think. This is a fellow human being with hobbies and interests in common with you. They are here to have a good time. Put your character hate aside. Appreciate the beauty of their cosplay. Are you cosplaying as Jaina Proudmoore and angry that Thrall was paired with Aggra instead? If you meet an Aggra cosplayer, here are some alternatives: Ignore her or else make friends, who knows what fun photos you two could have parodying that rivalry? As another example, say you ship Karkat/Terezi from Homestuck but a couple is cosplaying Dave/Terezi: again, that’s an opportunity to make a friend who just has a different opinion and get a funny photoshoot. I personally dream of the day I can do a Miranda Lawson vs. Tali photoshoot or aforementioned Aggra vs. Jaina. Even if you don’t like a character or a pairing, you still have something in common with this fellow human being who has the same enthusiasm you do for a fandom and you should embrace it.

Now, if you’re the one being harassed and the harasser isn’t rational enough to ignore you or simply be polite, go get con security. If you fight back, you will get kicked out as well; your ticket is non-refundable. Con security is supposed to deal with this sort of thing and 9.9 times out of ten, they will.

Twin Lara Crofts with Squall Leonhart in the middle. Copyright Bruce Moyle, Used Under a Creative Commons License

DON’T INSULT OTHER COSPLAYERS. So you worked hard on your cosplay, think you’re amazing and all, and then you see another person cosplaying the same character (I am guilty of this, but I’ve moved past it, thankfully). Everyone has the right to cosplay as the character they want. You are cosplaying a fictional entity. Rose Tyler isn’t real. Vriska Serket isn’t real. Commander Shepard isn’t real. Luna Lovegood isn’t real. Yuna isn’t real. Katniss Everdeen isn’t real and so on and so forth. You are [insert your legal name here], a human living in [insert country here] in the year 2013 (or maybe you’re reading this a few years from now, if so: Good news, everyone! You’re in the future!), and that other person is [their name here], not the character. Besides, if you act petty like that, you’re missing out on a wonderfully fun pastime called twinning. Common in J-Fashion communities, twinning is when you are wearing the same outfit (or a similar, complimenting outfit). Most rational, friendly cosplayers enjoy twinning and since I calmed my tits about others cosplaying the same character as me, I’ve had offer after offer for twinning photos and they are so much fun! Even if you don’t want to twin, keep in mind as above, this is a fellow human being who worked hard or paid a lot of money to make this costume a reality and they have just as much right to enjoy it as you do. If they did better in some way, you could even ask for tips. If you did better in some way and they ask, then you can give them tips.


Overall, cosplay and the convention scene is a community, it is for fun and meant to bring people together, to tell geeks and nerds everywhere: You are not alone. You have a family that is millions strong, let your flag fly, we welcome you. Divisive, cruel behavior should have no place in that sort of setting.

 Tali'Belle is a fashion and costume design student with twelve years of cosplay experience. She operates Fleet and Flotilla: Dextro Couture and Salvage on Etsy. Her main cosplay is Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy and her current preferred convention is Dragon Con. You can keep up with her on DeviantArt  or Twitter. And of course, you can find her posts here on I Feel Delicious!

Respectful Relationships

By Barbara Alvarez 

There’s being respected in the relationships you have with others – family, friends, coworkers, supervisors and your significant other. Every coin has two sides. The “respectful relationships” coin is no different. The other (negative) side of the coin is one filled with disrespect, bullying and outright abuse. Let’s talk.

Family

Copyright Life Mental Health, used under Creative Commons 2.0

Your siblings are your first friends. You play, fight and get along with them. Personalities from sibling to sibling differ, with some being more assertive while others are more shy.

If you are a shy sibling, it’s likely your brothers or sisters have figured this out. “Hey, let’s thump her! She won’t tattle.” THUMP! And off you go, fighting tears and massaging a sore noggin. Maybe you’re the assertive one and you jump all over your shy sibling. Either way, it doesn't feel good.

Friends

When you get together with your friends, your interactions, decisions and activities follow a familiar pattern. Some of you make the choices about activities while the rest of you shrug, sometimes with your usual good nature and you go along. “Sure,” you say. “A movie sounds good. I really don’t care. Whatever you guys want to do.” Your lack of assertiveness can soon backfire on you, as your friends begin taking advantage of you.

Coworkers

Copyright World Bank Photo Collection Used Under Creative Commons 2.0

At work, you get along with some of your coworkers. You like them and hang out with them on breaks and at lunch. Other coworkers, you've learned to avoid because they just seem to have a constant chip on their shoulders, or they have learned they can shift their work over to you – and you won’t say anything.

Supervisors

Supervisors? Yes. While they are above you in the food chain, they should still treat you respectfully. Maybe they do, even if they do seem a bit...standoffish or distant.

Or maybe they figured out pretty quickly that they can take out their bad moods on you, swear at you when nobody else is around and, in general, make life miserable for you.

Copyright flickr.com/zoetnet Used under Creative Commons

Significant Others

This relationship has the most potential to destroy you if it’s an unhealthy one. Because your boyfriend – or girlfriend, if you’re lesbian – has become so emotionally and physically intimate with you, every negative interaction, word and action can destroy your self-image. Disrespectful relationships can too easily become violent, abusive ones. Let’s talk about respecting ourselves so others will respect us.

Developing Respect

You can’t be treated with respect until you've learned to treat yourself with respect. That means asserting your rights, choices and your decision to be treated right. Sure, you may think, “Well, of course I want to be treated right!”

Copyright Zen Sutherland, used under Creative Commons License

Thinking isn't action. Not until you've learned how to non-verbally communicate your good feelings about yourself to others. Once you've learned how to do this, it’s time to start communicating to others, “I won’t be mistreated any more. If you want to spend time with me, treat me right.” Communicate specifically how you will and won’t be treated. Go through this process with everyone in your circle. If anyone you associate with refuses to treat you right, cut them out of your life until they decide to change. Remember, you are a person of worth and beauty. Communicate this and expect others to start treating you with the respect due you.

Barbara Alvarez earned her journalism and mass communications degree in December, 2006 and has been writing professionally since that time.

Alvarez has written and self-published two books, one non-fiction and one fiction. The non-fiction is intended for a military spouse niche. This book is written under a pen name: Diana M. Lopez.

The fiction is intended for anyone who loves to read about strong men and stronger women who confront conflict even as they learn to adjust their beliefs about relationships and love.

Alvarez plans to write until she is very old – it is in her blood, along with crochet and cross stitch. She is the mother of two grown sons.

You can keep up with Barbara at her website, or follow her on Facebook.  Of course you can also keep an eye out here for more of her work on I Feel Delicious!

Personal Stories: I Married Out of My League

By Amanda Flanigan

Editor's Note: We all know the feeling of falling for someone who seems like they're from a different world due to class, subculture or economic status. This is one story that proves you can transcend those odds as long as you believe in yourself. I was the quiet girl with messy hair who kept to her small group of friends. I could easily fade into the background. I was forgettable.

Copyright Nic Snell, used under Creative Commons 2.0

Mike was a popular football player who was very charismatic and loved by everyone.

Mike was best friends with my cousin and I would spend my weekends hanging out with the two of them just goofing off and having fun. It wasn't long before I began crushing on Mike. He was gorgeous with stunningly blue eyes, and could play the guitar and sing like Elvis. I dreamed about us running away together living happily ever after. But I knew that would never happen and was content just sitting in the same room as him.

Somehow during this time, Mike developed a crush on me and it wasn't long before we started dating. I felt like the luckiest girl EVER. This boy who I fell hard for actually had feelings for me?! It didn't seem possible. In the eyes of high school society, I was nothing. And definitely not someone who would capture the heart of this handsome young man.

I was not the only one who couldn't believe Mike and I were dating. He was constantly bombarded with questions of “why her?” and “you can do so much better”. And when, at the age of 16, I become pregnant with our daughter that gave people (our classmates and adults alike) a reason as to why Mike was with me. They seem to need something to wrap their small minds around our relationship because, according to them, there was no way Mike would actually want to be with me.

By Jill Boehm

Their words had a negative effect on me and damaged my self-esteem even more than it already was. But by some miracle I stayed strong and tried my hardest not to let their negativity affect my relationship with the man I loved. It was difficult, to say the least. They would try to separate Mike and I by making up lies and trying to set him up on dates with other girls.

Fast forward 17 years later, and Mike and I are still together. When we run into our old classmates, they are amazed

that we have been together for almost 2 decades. Even after all these years of others thinking (and saying) I wasn't good enough for him, we are somehow still going strong.

The point of my story is that no matter what is going on in your life, don’t let others tear you down. If I would have caved into the negatively of others, I might not have married the love of my life who, even when I am steaming mad at him, can make me laugh and giggle like a school girl. Manda began her writing career in 2007 writing for various online companies. She spends her time as a cat loving geek and mother to a teenager daughter. You can find more of her work at http://offwithherhead.org and of course here at I Feel Delicious!