Guest Post: Granny Cougar Goes to Church

Greetings from South Eastern Ohio, I am Granny Cougar.

I do stand-up comedy. Although I am also considered disabled, I once traveled all over the U.S.A. I now am only able to do it on a local level, but the need to write and perform has never failed in desire. While on stage, I portray an older show girl who wants all the hot young men in the audience. 

In real life I live with two gay roommates, and my boyfriend, who is older than I and has never moved past kissing. One really could hardly consider me to be a true cougar. It is however, funny, when young girls from an audience come up to me prior to a performance and beg me to “pick”, on their boyfriends. Most of my jokes are extremely for an adult crowd. When we have family gatherings they often times want me to do something. It is a scramble to figure out how to figure out how to present adult materials to a born again Christian based family. 

I was not raised around any of these people. I was raised by an old lady which escaped from a German concentration camp. As you could guess I was brought up a Jew. She has been dead for many years now. Since then I have been putting forth the effort to re-connect to my “family”. 

My birth Mother sits in the front row of her church, and has for well over thirty years. She is now in her late 70’s. When they sing, she gets up and dances. Her church is crazy like the ones you might see on television! So here I am this little Jewish American Princess (JAP) and I thought, “I should go so when she passes on I could say I danced with her when she was old.” The first time I went I could hardly sleep the night before. Mother told me that people speak in tongues there and so I did not what to expect. As you could imagine I had plenty of racing thoughts. 

That next morning my ass was dragging. During Sunday school they asked if they had anybody new and I got a jab from my beloved Mother who really did not want to raise me. So I stood up like hit with a cattle prod. Next, more people came in. While the real service started once more they asked was there anybody new, and that of course meant a new poke. I stood up and there were about eight people with me. 

If I do not have enough sleep, I can nod off most any place. The vocals from the choir was fast and she and I danced. Exhausted I set down. They sang next, slow and angelic songs. They were more like lullabies. Next, her pastor began his sermon; in the middle of it a gal jumped up and started to speak like gibberish or some sort of baby talk. Next, some man joined in and told us all what it was meant. 

I was very outside of a normal place of worship, and very confused. I admit I did start to nod off while everyone began some sort of strange prayer request thing they do partake in every Sunday. The next thing I hear is, “Come Forward!” mind you I am seated in the front row so I cannot see behind me. I thought, “Oh good here we go again.” So I took about three steps outward turned and none of the others were with me. Somewhere in my sleepy state I missed the fact that this was an invitation to be saved and join their church. 

With my Mother beaming with pride, people from every direction came to put their hands on me! I have a mental illness and part of it is social phobia. Can you imagine what this was doing to me? I began to cry and they took that to me I was in the spirit. Finally, and without trying to hurt anyone I said nicely, “Ok I’m good now I know the devil is a really bad thing and God is a really good thing please stop with the touching already! OY-VEY” 

So I am also a Pagan who sees light in many paths of faith. To recap kids, I’m a comic, Jew, Pagan, Smartass, Neo-Christian. I guess you could say, I’m a Pagan Ham Sam Witch.
~G.C.